Laws of attraction!

Yeah, yeah. I know I've been UBER slacking on keeping my blog updated. Whatever!

So in my last post, I talked about the secret. Since then, I have created a vision board see below, I have begun following some great mentors/life coaches/fellow LOA believers (Laws of Attraction) etc. and have been feeling GREAT about my life. I used to think that the "laws of attraction" were simply a term used in love and lust. Boy was I wrong! I'll explain more later. That's my vision board so far. There are some quotes, "It's time to start living the life you've imagined." Some pictures of things I want (beautiful house, bar, boat, awesome kitchen). Some things that just make me happy (golf) and I've still got some more things I need to put on there. I've been doing a lot better thinking about my business too!

I won't get into all the details of "The Secret" and LOA, but a lot of it is simply this; whatever you put out, will generate the same thing back. So if I'm putting off an "I'm sick of bills and ants and my pesky boss" vibe, I'm going to get more bills, more ants and more peskiness from my boss! Conversely, if I'm putting out to the universe that I'm successful, capable, healthy, and worth something amazing, I'm going to be successful at whatever I take on, capable of doing them, stay healthy and earn what I feel and believe I'm worth.

I'm still questioning the "silliness" of this whole theory, even though I shouldn't, but it's a common struggle with my own internal dialogue; that pesky voice in your head that I've mentioned a few times. It's also funny to me because I keep asking myself why wouldn't everyone just think this way anyways, until I listen to conversations and realize almost everyone I know talks about bad things and thinks the worst.

Examples: How many people come home from work and talk about all the annoying things that have happened at work and how annoying the boss is, nearly every day?

How many people do you know that are "one of those people" and have a different sob story each day of how something ELSE has happened to them and it's "poor me" and "why me?"

How many people do you know that have an excuse for why everything happens to them, and it's never really "their fault."

How many of these people are "successful" and happy people? none that I've met. Now on the other end:

How many people that aren't "successful" come home and talk about the positive things that happened?

How many people that aren't "successful" bring up how well their business is doing or how they are just happy to have a job in this time?

"BUT KYLE, those people are happy because they have money."

A partial truth, maybe, but there are plenty of people who have money and they're not happy!

I think with positive thought and the belief that you're worth something more and capable of something more, certain things will "just show up" or gravitate towards you.

"BUT KYLE, why not just sit here all day thinking that you can and will win the lotto?" I'm not too sure how well this works, but I'm pretty sure it may not be stronger than odds of 1 in 135,145,920 haha. That, and the lotto doesn't always make people happy, healthy and wealthy. The LOA works in all areas. It's having an abundance of health, love, money, etc. I can have a million dollars and be sick and die and that's no fun. I can have a million dollars and be sad and lonely and that's no fun. It's about all aspects of life!

Today, was a pretty interesting day. I feel I saw this power of positive thinking work! My personal example, so far:

I've been believing that I am a capable and successful real estate broker and salesperson, whereas before I questioned my own abilities, and that my business and its model works very well. I've been thinking positively about all the referrals that we have currently outstanding and that we would start seeing checks. Today we received a payment for a closed referral that both myself and my business partner had thought was dead and worthless, that we had sent out exactly three months ago. Coincidence or power of positive thinking? That's subjective, but I feel it's the LOA at work!

I'm calling it a night because I'm hungry as hell, but I'll keep you posted as far as how this keeps up. My struggles. My victories. My additions to my vision board and anything else I find interesting.

And I'll give some updates on some other things I've touched on in past blogs. I promise to update this more!

One last thing. I appreciate those of you that read this. It makes me happy to know that people enjoy what I have to say and offer their own perspective and advice! So thank you, whoever you are! haha Leave a comment and let me know! Thanks

The Secret

Well, I finally watched "The Secret" and I found it very interesting. So interesting that I went out and bought a poster board to create a vision board of the things I want, and believe I can have in my life. I will post all the things that I add to it, as I add to it.

Haven't come up with a solid mantra yet, but I heard some great quotes from "The Secret" that I may use. The tennis match in my mind is still just as strong when I talk to myself, but I'm determined to get the negative out of it and focus on the positive things.

I made it through all of August without buying a drop of alcohol!!! I came close these last couple of days, but I had some help from some good friends not wanting to see me fail. Thanks!

I'm back down to having only one credit card with a balance too. Work is good. Life is good. My health is fantastic and I'm excited about life and what the universe has to offer! I've come a long way since I started this in June! I'm impressed with myself and very happy.

Sorry for not posting as much.

My mind talks too much!

Back in post #1 (I know! MONTHS ago) I talked about the little voice in your head. You know the one. It's probably saying, "Voice in my head? I don't have a voice in my head. That's for crazy people!" to you right now! Anyway, the point is that MINE DOESN'T EVER STFU!

Tonight was the first night of spending 15 minutes alone repeating the same phrases and beliefs to help me focus on my career and make it a priority in my thought, and it was nearly impossible to get the voice in my head to stop trying to talk over the projected voice! UGH!

I tried talking out loud. I tried talking LOUDLY in my head. I tried to close my eyes and clear everything away. I tried to strip away each thing that was there. I tried yelling at the voice in my head (I think it mocked me back like a sassy 5yr old girl). Basically, as I sat there trying to focus, my mind was going 100mph.

MY MIND:
You should be working instead of sitting in your room talking to a wall. What if someone saw you? This is pretty silly. Do you even believe what you're saying? Do you believe this will really work? You should be over at the computer getting your website noticed. You know what would work better, try this! Has it been 15 minutes yet? How do you know if it's 15 minutes if your phone is off and you didn't look at the clock? You want to look at the clock don't you? etc. etc.

I even tried closing my eyes, picturing my most peaceful place possible, which was a tee box on a beautiful green golf course, and as soon as I pictured a tee box, every possible hazard or obstacle automatically followed. There was a 100 yard canyon to carry, with water all along the left side, water along the right, and trees in the middle of the fairway. You think a psychologist would have an opinion on why that happened? Something like, "This symbolizes how you only see the obstacles in the path to your ultimate goal." That's how I saw it at least. Maybe I should have thought of sitting at the river drinking a beer!

This kind of upset me because that's exactly the opposite of how I'm trying to think. There are no obstacles, just opportunity. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day! I kept on truckin' and continued repeating for another 5 straight minutes or so. I know this will be a process, but eventually I'll be able to remove the obstacles, see the fairway and stripe a 300 yarder down the middle!

In other news, I spoke with Scott today about our website and the changes I want to make, so progress with the business is in motion. I am going to post this and do a solid hour of work at least and continue thinking positive thoughts!

Oh and for the record, I have not spent a dime on alcohol for 21 straight days now. I have a lot more money, I have more energy and I'm on a somewhat normal sleep schedule now too. Amazing. OH, and getting buzzed only takes ONE PBR now! haha

Budget of $10/day is still being followed fairly strictly, too! LIFE IS GOOD!

Redundancy is annoying

Looking back at the last year, I can count at least 4 times when I've told myself, my business partner, my dad, my girfriend, my imaginary friend...that, "I'm ready to give it my all and I'm re-focused!"

I am SO SICK of hearing me say that, just to find myself two weeks later unmotivated and uninterested again!

Well folks, welcome to Groundhog Day!

I am re-motivated and ready to work for myself again!

I sit here and stress about money and things I want and can't have, yet I do nothing to work towards eliminating this stress, when there is a HUGE opportunity right in front of me. It's just plain dumb, and I know it is, yet I've just shrugged it off. Moron!

The aforementioned reason is not the only motivational factor though. Recently, I heard about this thing called, "The Secret!" Thanks to Wikipedia, I read a little bit about it and found it interesting. Anyone that knows me also knows that I would scoff at the notion that "positive thinking will generate positive results in the universe" or something akin to that, but I figure that if anything, at least I'll be positive and happy, so why not give it a shot, right?

I also looked at the Wikipedia page on meditation. Don't ask me why, because I don't know either. Hold on and hum elevator muzak while I Wiki "mantras."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
mantra: etymology means man- "To think" and tra- "tool", so a mantra is, in essence, an instrument of thought. NICE!

Much like I have done with many other aspects of my life described in this blog, I am going to translate me new found ability to "focus" on things into my career!

Each day, I will devote 15 minutes of silence to myself, reciting a mantra (to be made up tonight) that will be relegated to believing and focusing on my career.

I know some of you may be thinking, "Wait! Ins't a mantra and meditation a religious thing? Is he becoming buddhist?" The simple answer to that is, "NO!" Those of you that know me, also know my views on religion. That being said, there is no reason, to me, that this "secret"-ask-believe-receive thing coupled with mantra-meditation-motivation won't help me put my career as a priority in life. And if you look at "The secret" and mantras and meditation, they're pretty similar, at least from what I've read.

This is WAY out there for me, so bare with me if I didn't make it 100% clear to you tonight because I'm not quite sure of everything yet myself. Heh! This will be interesting. Basic principle to me is: If I make it a priority to constantly be in my head (much like I did with my budget), I won't want to escape it because it's making my life better.

Oh and as for not posting for the past like two weeks, fuhgeddaboutit! Just know I have stuck to my budget (fairly well actually) and I'm happy again. Let's see where this new positive mental attitude can get me!

Now it's time to think of a mantra! This excites me...mentally!

long overdue

Time for an update I'm sure! Im hoping back on the blog train, but this time I'm probably going to be spending more time on my business. I think I'm ready to make it grow now. Don't worry, I'll still be here updating my personal progress!

SUCK!

I feel terrible. Mentally. I have felt anxiety for about a month now, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm better off financially, mentally, physically, yet I still feel short of breath and my heart is racing all day. I don't like it. I feel depressed almost, as I am unmotivated and nervous all the time. I can't put my finger on it either. I'm thinking about finding a psychologist. I want someone to talk to about me, who can give me some OUTSIDE interpretation about MY actual feelings, without knowing history and whatnot. I almost feel like I just need to (as gay as this sounds) sit in my room and weep for an hour or something.

So, just so you all know, this is the reason I haven't posted in like a week. That and Thursday and Saturday were long days with the Alan Jackson concert and UFC fight. Oh and last night was a long night with a plumber that cost me $360.

So that's all for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. OH! And I'm also not looking for some sort of "aww kyle im sorry...etc." I just put this post as part of my goal of expressing my feelings when I have them.

WDYD 8/5

Today I spent $8 for In-N-Out at lunch! It was amazing! I made brown sugar and cinnamon blueberry pancakes for dinner with eggs and apple juice I got yesterday for dinner. Kept me below my $10/day budget. I also got up this morning and ate my delicious cereal on the front porch and enjoyed 10 minutes of the morning before work. So today, I enjoyed life and the little things, and appreciated the things that I have! Life is good!

Time to go watch a movie or crash! G'night y'all!

WDYD 8/4/09

Today I mowed the front and back yard, cut most of the Jasmine Ivy off the front porch, watered the lawns, got a car wash and went to the grocery store. I got some breakfast stuff at the grocery store, and I can't WAIT to eat it tomorrow. AND IT'S ONLY CEREAL!! Thanks to Dave, I bought cereal and blueberries and raspberries and bananas for breakfast! MMMM I also played volleyball for 3.5 hours.

So I worked on one of my goals (nursing the house), made it through day 4 of not purchasing alcohol, and I've had 3 situations where I would have normally purchased a few drinks, and exercised! I didn't stick to the budget, as I spent $15 on dinner,which I pretty much always do. I spent $35 at the grocery store, but that stuff will average out to a dollar here and there over the course of using it.

Today was a great day, and as I stated in my post earlier, I'm feeling great about life. However, I do have a pessimistic side saying that life is too good, and something crappy is going to happen soon. I know it's terrible to think like that, but whatever, it's up there. I'm going to relax for a bit now and hit the hay! Tomorrow I will improve what I started today (nursing the house)!!

Quality of life is improving!

I've been doing this blog now for just under 2 months. In the last week or so, I've really started to enjoy life more. There are still stresses, but they are more manageable. I've also begun to enjoy silly little things like breezes and the weather in general.

Today I was mowing the lawn, and although it was hot, I somehow enjoyed it. This was very odd because I hate mowing the lawn. Maybe it's the satisfaction I get from seeing the before and after. Maybe it's because I enjoyed being outside and it was peaceful. Maybe it's that I'm finally noticing the positive things instead of constantly complaining that I have to 'do work.' Who knows? Whatever it is, I love it and I hope it continues!

WDYD x 3

Saturday: I ate dinner at home, using my sam's club purchases ($2.36 worth) and I spent $5 at cowboy country. I didn't buy any alcohol. So I stuck to my budget and I resisted buying a drink!

Sunday: I enjoyed the day to the fullest, and only spent $9 on ice cream for two. Oh crap! I made sandwiches and dinner using Sam's club purchases $5.72. Crap crap crap. So i dont have a clue what i did today to make my life better.

Monday: Today i played golf twice. Two rounds and lunch at islands cost me $70. I don't normally count golf in this whole thing, but that was an amazing value for my day. I did do some deep thinking while talking to a friend though. Came up with this:

See tomorrow as an opportunity to improve what you started today, not as a day to start what you were going to do yesterday.

It plays into this whole WDYD thing. I need to start thinking about what I'm GOING to do to improve my life each day, so I don't find myself at 11:57 pm replaying the day only to find out I didn't do crap!

oh wait, something good did come out of today. My second round of golf had a bet and it wasn't monetary! Scott and I bet that the loser had to pass out our business flyers by next monday! I WON! I at least hope it's overcast for the poor guy!

I've also noticed that I tend to go a week, then update this on a Monday, and I need to get back into posting daily! More to come manana!

WDYD?

What did I do yesterday to improve my life? I didn't spend a dime! I went home and watered the lawn, made some grilled cheese sandwiches. Sorry, made the BEST grilled cheese sandwiches EVER! And I stayed in for the night. I guess I did spend SOME money, as the cheese and the bread was from that Sam's club trip. I'm guessing the total was around $0.90. Maybe I should go online on days like this, and spend my remaining $10/day towards a debt. I mean, it's free billpay, so who cares if I have a $9 today, $5 tomorrow, $10 the next, as it all adds up! Did I just come up with a great idea?

WDYD?

What did you do? I am going to ask myself this question every day and post the answer here. What did I do to better my life today? It sounds selfish, because it is, but this is the whole point of this blog and what I'm trying to do; better myself. If I'm not happy with ME, I can never make someone else happy. If I'm not responsible enough for myself, how can I be responsible enough for a relationship or kid?

So starting today, what did I do? I bought clear nail polish for my consistently split thumbnail, and sprinklers and weed-n-feed to help Goal #8 Nurse the house back to strength. I stuck to my budget and spent only $0 on unnecessary things, still eating the leftovers from last night (Sam's club pizza purchase. Spent $14.62 yesterday on lunch, dinner and 3 Newcastles. An average of $7.31/day) I made a GREAT decision to stop purchasing alcoholic beverages!

$500 wasted!

I fell. I fell hard. Right back to where I was before I started this whole thing. And I'm pissed! I am so upset with myself I've felt like vomiting every time I think about it, and I'm forcing myself to think about it over and over so it will hopefully sink in.

I've been thinking about how to describe this little episode over the weekend; vacation? mental lapse? reward? when there is really only one thing to describe it as: IR-RE-F-ING-SPONSIBLE!!

I'm not going to catch up on the last weeks money spent and whatnot, because it's so tiny compared to what I spent over the course of 4 days. So here it is:

I spent about $477 from Friday night to Tuesday evening. Thanks to Marissa, this total was held short of $500 (she paid for a Starbucks and movie for me. Thanks ;) ).

Here's the rundown, and you won't want to miss what I'm going to do next!

-70	drinks and food
-111	gambling
-18	drinks
-7	drinks
-20	gas
-26	drinks
-25	food
-46	golf
-20	drinks
-17.5	drinks
-3	parking
-5	parking
-20	food
-53	golf
-28	drinks
-13	food
20	R/b for drinks and food
-15	drinks and food

Yup. I went gambling. Yup, a lot of that is drinks. It's not that I haven't wanted to hit the casino since this thing has started, because I have, it's that it was 3:30 am after some drinks and good times with friends and I was feeling lucky. Oh, and I had ZERO will power! No excuse, but that's it plain and simple. DUMB!

About $200 of all that was spent on drinks too! How ridiculous! Granted, I had a great time this weekend, but at what cost? The interest on my student loans and credit cards?

Here it comes. Mom, you can stop worrying now.

I am not going to BUY one single drink of alcohol for at least August. wow...

Sounds so simple, yet I know it will be tough. I'm not giving up on it altogether, but I will not spend a dime on it for all of August. This isn't a goal either. It is a statement.

I'm sure you can think of other areas to save money, but my logic is this: I spend a lot of money on it, it's expensive and it makes me spend even more money. Simple.

I'd be lying if that were the only reason I'm doing this though. I've sat here doing this blog, thinking about all the things I want to do and should do and I've had, oh I'd say 'average' success with them. A few victories here, a few setbacks there. This is something that I know will be difficult beyond what I can even comprehend, which sounds so STUPID as I'm typing, but (double negative alert) if I can't NOT do something, what makes me think I can ADD MORE things TO do?

This will be an ultimate test of will power for me and I'm nervous. I need a stiff drink ;)

And to all my friends, if we're out and you feel like hookin a brotha up, I won't turn it down! I'll get you back at some point in the future, but not if I'm homeless and broke, which is where I'll be if I don't get my stuff STRAIGHT!

Oh and just so you all know, the whole 'exercise 3/week BEFORE work' thing flat out fell off the face of the Earth. I will be changing that to 'EXERCISE 3/WEEK whenever'. Hopefully without alcohol, getting up early will be easier, but we shall see.

Another long update...

will be coming tonight. Stay tuned.

Mad. Angry. Aggravated.

I'm annoyed and I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I haven't really let out all the emotions from letting Shilo go. I don't know if it's because I had to make the decision to put her down. I don't know if it's my current relationship situation. I don't know if it's my family situation (which I hear is spreading like a wild fire through the extended family. So hello everyone. Glad to have you) I don't know if it's my entire life. All I know is I want to fight someone and I'm just GRRJL;ADFJL;AFJL;DFALJK;.

Who knows, maybe I'm pregnant. Wish I could check my blood pressure right now.

Writing

I'm contemplating writing an autobiographical fiction...that is all.

blahg blahg blahg

My sister has a blog. She apparently wants everyone who has read and commented on MY blog to read HERS. Here's the link if you want to know her "side" and explanation of how she got where she is, or as I like to call it, excuse after excuse.

My opinion on it is that it's dull, pointless and misguided seeing as it states that there were some of you who wanted to help her. It's simply "defending" herself from the truths that I posted and is nothing towards moving forward in life except for thinking that all of you somehow have your own businesses and can/want to employ her or would even recommend anyone with no real work experience and knowing her history. Unfortunately for her, her reputation precedes her. Although it's progress to have a resume at all, it's wasted time, in my opinion, to post it to all of you.

It's also pointless towards the end where it justifies, I think, why she can't qualify for your tax dollars to help her, thank god. It's just excuse after excuse as to why OTHER people put her where she is now.

Heather! The only one responsible for you is YOU. Blaming your current situation on ex boyfriends/husbands/roommates and relying on others to get you a job, bail you out, fulfill promises, etc. is just passing on the responsibility. People get divorces. People have bad roommates. They don't run home and take advantage of their parents until their little brother speaks up and demands something happen. They may move home, but make it their priority to GET OUT or PAY RENT!

As far as jobs go, the only places that will hire you are ones that don't KNOW you. And you don't deserve anything as you have no work experience or education. You're 32 with ONE job that's lasted longer than a year. High school kids have more substantial resumes. Realize this. Minimum wage is all you should think you should deserve! Roughly $225/week after taxes! If you work nights and weekends you don't have to really worry about day care. So you're entire blog was pointless. If you want nights and weekends, as your resume states, pointing out that daycare is $150-200/week is pointless. And 4 days per week you can work two jobs since both mom and dad are around. Figure out what you can do and make it happen. Don't start creating your future excuses so you can continue on this path! Pointing out your future daycare costs and school appointments when your resume is stating that you don't even want to work during these times is just another way to create an excuse to why you can't do something. Why someone or something else is preventing you from doing it. That may be enough to convince mom and dad, but you're going to have to come up with more clever ways than that to get past me.

And don't get all high and mighty because you actually do some things for your kids like bathe them and feed them, because every time I'm there you act like you're off the clock and expect mom to do it. You even huff and puff when she doesn't. I don't care whether you try to defend this or not, it's true and you and everyone else knows it. I know, I know, I know, mom WANTS to do it or just does it, right? Wrong, you act like you need a break from your own kids (as evidenced in your blog post here), when you clearly state that you chose to have them. Sorry, you can't just "take a sick day" from your kids, nor should you want to.

I just hope this wasn't the entire "plan" that you and dad came up with. I pray it wasn't this shallow.

The week's financial update

Looks like through all the drama and whatnot I haven't posted about my budget. I know I haven't kept to it, but here's the skinny:

Tuesday: $1.32 (sandwich)
Wednesday: $11 on dinner at Islands
Thursday: I can't remember for the life of me
Friday: $16 on chipotle for dinner and $24 for the movies.
Saturday: $14 on In-n-out for lunch and on Taco bell for a 1am snack after a party
Sunday: I went golfing twice (2nd round paid courtesy of won bets from first round), then spent $40 on lunch for my dad and me, $24 on drinks, then $12 on chinese food and more later at the vet, but I'm not counting that.

Although this is doesn't fit my budget like I had planned, it's still 1000 x better than I used to be. Sunday was my real day of spending money, but I used to spend money like that two-three days at a time. Spending money is now in every decision I make and I am happy with that. The good thing is, the Sam's club purchase I made that was supposed to at least last until yesterday, is still around. I still have a lot of chicken and ground beef as well as stuff for my sandwiches, so I can make up for the money I spent in the last week and today.

Today I have spent $25 on lunch with Jim so far (olive garden). I know I'll have $5 for parking tonight for my dance class and maybe a bottle of water or two.

Op. Sibling Success update

In other news, the drama that is my sister continues. As you can see, I'm still getting comments on Operation Sibling Success. Apparently, the plan is to put the resume on my site and let people come to her, versus her going out and handing it to every place that has an employee. I'm not really sure what the point of this resume posting was, nor do I care. I vowed to continue to bring this up every day until something changes, and I'm sticking to it. Just wanted to make sure y'all knew that it's still generating quite a strong response.

Shilo

Last night Shilo wasn't able to stand up again. She tried and tried, but the back legs wouldn't work. She was yelping and barking for help. So my dad, Jim and Marissa (thank you btw) went with me to the vet. She could have received some steroid injections as well as some crazy treatment that may or may not have worked. Or there was the other option.

Given her quality of life lately, and the pain I'm sure she was in as well as staring into her eyes and seeing how tired she was, I elected the other option.

It was really hard to do, and I still haven't fully let it sink in, but I sat there with her and said goodbye. I blink right now and I see her sitting there, but then I think about all the good times we had, and how she's not in pain now. I'm sure I may write another post on Wednesday when I have to put the dog house and bed out for trash night. Just wanted to update everyone.

I love you Shilo!

Failed responsibility

I remember the first day I saw my dog. I was going to a dog training class with my best friend in the world, at that time, Ashley. Side note-I proposed to this girl during an assembly in the 1st grade. She had this little terrier. The trainer came with a dog that she hand found stray around the 4th of July. She asked if anyone there would want it, as she couldn't take on ANOTHER dog. My eyes lit up! I asked my parents and we brought her home for a trial day or two. The first thing she did was run around the backyard and fall into the pond haha. My parents ended up letting me have her. This was when I was in 6th grade. 1995. We named her Shilo after the Neil Diamond song.

Ashley and I would continue on together in the training. We also used to take our dogs out with rollerblades (they were still cool then) and Shilo would pull me almost faster than I wanted to go. We'd go around the elementary schools and Shilo would stand on two legs and drink out of the drinking fountain, then off we went again. She would chase the hose around yapping at it. She would play with an old bouy we tied to a rope on the tree. She listened. She protected our house from flying bugs, birds, people etc.

I went away to college and since that time, I have completely neglected Shilo. Very rarely was she bathed, walked or even pet. She's now about 15-16 years old.

So today I went to feed her and decided I would give her some wet food on top of the same old dry food she eats day in and day out. She came around the corner, nearly deaf and kind of stumbled trying to stand and eat her food. She ended up sitting, looking at me. I moved the food closer to her and she ate there for a few seconds, then tried to stand and almost fell over. She sat again and ate what she could. She then tried to stand again and stumbled a few steps and laid down. Her face still looking healthy and colorful. She tried to get up again, walked a few steps and laid down, almost as if she meant to lay right there in that spot.

I left for work and I'm afraid of what I may have to do tonight or tomorrow. I know she's "old" but had I realized the responsibility that I am now trying to possess, she would still be "old" but in better condition. Had she still gone on walks, had baths, had a decent place to live (we've seen pictures of what my backyard WAS looking like) she may be healthier and potentially die happier. No matter what happens, I will always have my memories with my first pet as vivid as anything. And I know I'll always have the song to remind me of her. If I spoke dog, I'd say I'm sorry for "forgetting" about her and not giving her the attention I used to give her. I love you Shilo. :(

Neil Diamond's -Shilo

Young child with dreams
Dream, every dream on your own
When children play
Seems like you end up alone

Papa says hed love to be with you
If he had the time
So you turn to the only friend you can find
There in your mind

(my favorite part, the chorus)
Shilo, when I was young
I used to call your name
When no one else would come
Shilo, you always came
And we'd play

Young girl with fire (reminds me of her red hair)
Something said she understood
I wanted to fly
She made me feel like I could
Held out my hand, and I let her take me
Blind as a child (reminds me of her pulling me on my rollerblades)
All I saw was the way that she made me smile
She made me smile

Shilo, when I was young
I used to call your name
When no one else would come
Shilo, you always came
And yo'ud stay

Had a dream, and it filled me with wonder
She had other plans
Got to go, and I know youll understand
I understand

Shilo, when I was young
I used to call your name
When no one else would come
Shilo, you always came
Come today

Operation Sibling Success

Since my blog yesterday has created so much drama and such strong feelings. How about we consider this an intervention. Instead of judging how I did things, why doesn't everyone who feels like my sister needs help, step up and say something? I got the ball rolling, now anyone who wants to offer help, voice an opinion, give some guidance should step up. I know you all agree that what I said was true, whether it was "right" or "wrong" is your OPINION. Keep in mind one thing; IF I DIDN'T CARE AT ALL, WHY WOULD I BE SPENDING ALL THIS TIME ON IT?

As you know, you can leave anonymous comments. I've done the attacking, you can offer the help and support. Show her that there are people that care and you want to see her follow through with gaining independence. A simple, "I think you can do it" or "I can offer to babysit on Sundays." My only concern is that she has taken advantage of everyone who has helped so far! Me. My dad. My mom. My Aunt. etc.

I've done all I can do!

Challenge

If I said anything that wasn't true, I challenge you to prove me wrong. Prove it! Don't make an excuse. Prove it over the long run. Prove that the children are your #1 priority and if there's any time left after you get situated, then maybe you can find a man. I can bet you anything though that nothing will change, and if it does, it will only be temporary. So shove all your excuses up your ass and grow up! If other people can do it, so can you!

Example 1 from someone who is my age!
When I left my kids dad, I came back to Orange County from Nevada. I had not worked since I was pregnant with my first child (about 3 years). I came home and lived with my mom, within a week, I got into a program run by the state called welfare to work. They provided me with food stamps cash aid, resume and interviewing classes and child care, With in a month and a half of all that, I was employed and paying my own way. I still lived with my mom but paid her rent and bought all my own stuff. The only thing the state still helped out with was child care.

Example 2
My parents watch my daughter so I can work...I don't really get to date so I can't help you with that. My child and my job are my first priorities.

Example 3
My Dad watched my daughter for like the first 6 months...then I worked to pay day care pretty much. Then I was promoted. Then I got a girlfriend that paid half the rent. Then I changed jobs twice & got promoted a couple more times. Then she watched my kids & hers while I worked. I keep the 'dates' away from the kids until I feel like the person might be around a while. I don't want my kids getting too attached to someone I wasn't sure of and I didn't want them around some freak show


Moral: Kids and job are the top priorities. Dating comes in dead last. Working to pay for day care is worth it. You should eventually get promoted and progress from there. You don't deserve a well paying job. You got to start out as the lowest on the totem pole and work your way up. You don't deserve anything. You EARN it! Get your priorities straight and grow up. I DARE you to take this challenge. And I can't wait to say I told you so in the end!

Life isn't always positive

So, as you could probably assume, goal #7, expressing feelings, can't ALWAYS be positive feelings. This time, it's angry. This post will be a mixture of my idea of a plan for someone and my feelings about why I am coming up with this plan. It's not going to be a typical Kyle post, because I'm pissed.

Preface: I love my parents. I love my niece and nephew. All things that I couldn't choose to have in my life, but I would in a heartbeat and love them nonetheless.

My parents, are great people, but rather weak in one particular aspect. Well, three if you count my mom's weakness around a casino and my dad's around a golf course. But when it comes to my sister, they're the weakest of all. I find it absolutely amazing that they're still taking care of 32 year old and her two kids, with no end in sight, and no plan to dictate an end. She's not disabled, has no handicaps, and is perfectly healthy, yet here they are still raising her. This isn't something new though. This is something that we've been trying to deal with for years. But now, given financial situations, it's gone on too long. Before I get too far, Mom and Dad, I'm sorry. I know you'll be upset.

Let me break down the Sister-Cycle.
1. Find a man.
2. Use him until you find something wrong with him.
3. Keep him around until you find a new man.
4. Dump first man.
5. Have a moment of "strength" and "independence." This is where there is a vow to "be my own person" and "get my life straight" and "move out and be on my own." This usually lasts about 1-3 weeks, then it's back on a dating site and trying desperately to find a new man. The kids get 1-3 weeks of mildly better treatment, but then the focus is back on the next man that will allow her to be jobless for the next 3 years.
6. Move on to next man.
7. Rinse and repeat. I find it eerily similar to what people do for work at a place called the bunny ranch.

She recently started a blog, here, which shows shes in step 5 currently. It claims to be something along the lines of learning from the past and making a better future, but it looks more like complaining that she doesn't get a life because of kids and a vent directed at other people versus actually making a change and creating goals for herself. It won't be long before money that isn't there is being spent on a subscription to a dating site.

Brief background. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has tried to "help" with a zero percent success rate. I put myself out there about 2 years ago. Put together a plan. A schedule for her and her daughter for school and play time. Negotiated credit cards so they would stop calling my parents. Paid her target bill. Had consequences to actions. Put a financial plan and budget together. All of this, only to find out one month later that she had been hiding a planned pregnancy from my dad and I.

Now, 2 years later, still living with my parents (abouuuut 6 years and running now), and in step 5 of the cycle, it's only a matter of days before the search is on for the next new man, the kids are pushed aside, Hailey has daddy #3 (its been a new one every 2.5 years or so), and my parents endure another 3 years of financial "obligation" to their daughter. I think it was after Hailey's real dad left, that I saw a headline for my sisters Match.com profile read, "I'm looking for Mr. Right, but in the meantime, I'll take Mr. Right Now!" A sure-fire way to find a real pick of the litter to be the next father figure for your daughter. Oh and another time later on, when she was on the phone, and Hailey came in, took a drink of the energy drink, and poured it out because she thought it was "bad." Well mommy bad-mouthed the "stupid little shit" when she was standing in front of me, and IIII got to watch the "stupid little shit's" eyes fill up with tears as she ran off to her bedroom. The worst part was that Hailey told me that she accidently poked herself in the eyes and that's why she was crying. Obviously the phone call about the guy she was talking to was more important than raising a child.

The main reason for this is my mom. She refuses to allow any discussions about my sister and defends her any time someone brings it up. MOM! SHE'S 32. ARE YOU GOING TO SUPPORT HER UNTIL SHES 64? Enough is enough. Cut the strings! DO SOMETHING! You can't say you're proud of raising this!

Here's a simple plan to at least let her learn some responsibility, even though I can probably guarantee there's an excuse for every one of them from her.

Phone: You gave dad $60 for two months and he added you to his line. We all know after two months, he's not going to get paid again. I suggest that he give the $60 back, and you go get a prepaid phone. No money = no phone. Be responsible enough to control your own PERKS in life. The schools need a phone # for emergency, use dad's.

Food: Use your money to get food for the kids. If you've got extra, then get some for yourself. If not, ASK the parents if you can use theirs. If they say ok, repay it when you can or with cleaning or doing something around the house. If they're going to continue to let you eat with no paying, you should be cooking EVERY night. Earn your keep. You're not 12 anymore! You get food stamps or whatever, you use it and live off of it until you EARN something better.

Room & Board: If they're letting you stay for free, you better keep that place spotless. You know damn well that if it were just mom and dad, like it should be, that house would be spotless. Like it was before you moved in. You know how dad is. I don't care if you "pickup" or do whatever, S-P-O-T-L-E-S-S is how it should be! Especially with being virtually unemployed! It's your kids that are making it dirty.

Bills: I know mom and dad have paid some of your debt off, and I know you still got bills. Time to cut out all the stupid stuff you spend money on. No, you DON'T get to go out drinking. No, you don't get to go out to dinner. NO YOU DON'T GET TO JOIN A DATING SITE! NO YOU DON'T GET TO GO ON A DATE! You have $20, send it towards a bill! Be responsible. Let mom and dad give you an allowance! Any money you have, you give to them as rent. They can then give you an allowance if what you want is worth it. You obviously can't handle any money you do get!

Kids: Structure and positive reinforcement. I don't care what you "say" when I'm there, there is no such thing. Get off your ass and be a damn parent! When your child almost drowns, don't go on a rant about how you're a "Shitty fuckin mother" and point out someone else who has a kid in the pool. SEE IF YOUR KID IS FUCKING ALIVE! And then to downplay it and say he was only under a second, and you were watching him? So what, he could have gone another 3 seconds before you put your cigarette down and jumped in the pool? lol You are undeserving and unfit to be a mother. You're a selfsih mooch who cares about having a man more than anything. Without a man, you have no excuse but to do it on your own. Solution: Teach them something. Have positive play time with BOTH kids. Let the siblings PLAY TOGETHER! Or work out something where you actually get a job and grow up. I don't get how you doesn't understand WHY Hailey doesn't do anything you asks her to. It's because she knows she's going to get in trouble regardless, so why not keep doing what she's doing? You did the same thing with dad. You knew he was going to criticize HOW you did, so why do it at all?

When I started this, I thought that somehow, some way, something would resonate, and I could gain a sister I would choose, but something tells me this was just another 30 minutes wasted. Why would someone change after 32 years? It's hard enough for me to commit to the little things I'm trying to do, like the lawn. Why would a 32 year that hasn't had to work hard for anything, want to give that up. So long as people enable her, it will just continue on. And my parents wonder why I never want to go out and visit them. It's because I can't just visit you two, I have to visit everyone and sitting there listening to Hailey get yelled at drives me nuts!

Well, now that it's out there. Let's see what happens. I may have just ostracized myself from my own family. I just don't see why my parents have become so weak! I know they don't want this. My dad is too afraid of my mom, and my mom is on another planet when it comes to my sister.

Help needs to happen. But we've exhausted our energy on her. It needs to happen now, before my niece and nephew grow up to be drug dealers and strippers because their mom is too busy with the next man.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Remember that dude on SNL? I always think about that before I write something here.

Let me run through everything briefly to catch up, since I haven't posted since Thursday!

Friday, I went to Cowboy Country and I spent $10 to get in and $5 for post drinking Carl's Jr. Marissa supplied the 2-3 drinks we had. Thanks!

Saturday, I met up with my dad for the UFC fight at Legends Sports Bar in Belmont Shore. I thought it would only cost me $10 to get in, but it was $15 this time. I was going to watch this fight no matter what, so it was spend $15 and some drinks there or spend $45 and some drinks here. Well after 3 beers and a couple appetizers with my dad, the $15 went up to $55. It was at this point where I realized that I have become a little anal about this money thing, because I began to get almost irritated about my wanting that 3rd beer. This money kick has already sank in and it's really only been about a month maybe. It's in the back of every thought now, which I like, and it's beginning to really work! After one more month, I should be able to make better money-spending decision without having to even think! My dad and I even talked briefly about this, and he explained that the Evans clan are the type of people that buy another round if they think it will keep the party going. I guess I am a true Evans, because after the fight, we went and bought some cigars ($20) and walked around 2nd street talking. We stood on the corner simply bonding and smoking some great cigars, then went to La Creperie after it to grab some dessert! I love the ambiance of that place by the way. After this, we split up and he was going to come to my house and decide if he was going to stay the night, as it was already midnight, or go home. I got home and as I did, I got a text from him saying, "Going home. Thanks for a great evening. Love dad." This simple text made me smile like I have never smiled before. I know I mentioned briefly in a previous post about how any semblance of the "love" emotion has never happened, and didn't need to because we knew, but those last two words meant more than any two words I've ever read in my life. I responded with, "Alright. Drive safe. Thank you too. It was great. Love you too." I don't know how long it took him to actually type that and send it, but I'm positive there was a pause on his end, probably to figure out where the 'V' was on the keyboard. Oh, I spent a total of $87 that night, but that night, I would have paid much, much more had I known how great it would have been with my dad!

Sunday, SUNDAY, Sunday! I played in a beach volleyball tournament. I made some sandwiches and packed it up with some water. We tied for 3rd in our pool, but didn't make the playoffs due to our point ratio, but the two teams that finished ahead of us in the pool finished 2nd and 3rd, so we did alright. After this, I spent another $11 on pizza and soda for two, then another $5 on In-n-out later that night. I spent a total of $20.96 for the sandwiches, water and the other two purchases. eek.

Monday was today! I spent $6.10 on all my food and drinks, and $5 for parking for my dance class. I also did a lot of work around the house today. I got to thinking about some of this work I did today too, and came to an interesting, yet obvious, conclusion; It takes a lot of hard work and time to make something grow and maintain it, but it takes less than a quarter of that time to destroy it! Then, it seems to take twice that time to get it back.

Initially, I thought this because I saw some pictures my dad recently uploaded to facebook, that showed my front yard. Pictures from about 2 years ago I believe. The lawn was bright green and great! Now, its bright yellow and dirt! I know how much work he put into that lawn, as well as the rest of the house, and I killed it in NO TIME! I did try to revive it once, but lost interest. That's when I realized the same goes for nearly everything; relationships, plants, pets, personal health, etc. They all take a lot of hard work and time to see growth and maintain, but with a little neglect or lack of responsibility they can all disappear or wither away. Once that has happened, it seems that you work twice as hard to get it back, but it just doesn't respond, which leaves one wondering why! It didn't take this much work to grow it in the first place, right?

There is only one solution that I can think of to counteract the effects of these actions, which is to simply commit to what you want to accomplish, and hold yourself accountable no matter what. Too often we make excuses as to why something got the way it did, knowing full well that we could have and should have never even let it get to this point in the first place. I'm now recognizing why everything is dead, what I did and didn't do, and I'm figuring out what I'm going to do to fix them.

I've already started this process with my financial situation, but it's much deeper than just the pocketbook. Like I said, this applies to everything! My past relationships, my current relationships, my dog, my lawn, my dirty house! It's about priorities, and my priorities have been to be lazy and selfish. Am I supposed to be growing up this fast? Is this the age that people become boring, and life has scheduled fun time? Where I need to make watering the lawn and cleaning the house a priority over drinking and playing ping pong? Man, this blows! Where is Zoltar when you need him?

I will say one thing. When you let stuff get as out of control as my house has gotten, it sure does feel good to be able to see the difference! I mean, what fun is it cleaning a relatively spotless room? You can't even see what progress you made! (Although I do know how nice it is to just have to wipe something down versus scrubbing the hell out of it.)

I will be taking before and after pictures of my house transformation too.

Goal #8: Nurse my house back to strength!

Oh and goal #6, working out 3/week before work has been a work in progress. The first week was one day, the second week was two, and this week will be three! That is all for today.

Forgot something

Forgot that I still have another full chicken breast just like this one as a leftover! $3.44 and I have another full meal almost as A LEFTOVER? haha oh jeez

Sam's club is awesome

Hello all. Today I spent $3.44 and this is what I've got to show for it: Oh, and one more bottle of water. Closeup of the chicken showing the oozing mozzarella, and the diced tomatoes, with ricotta on top. Pretty tasty. And for less than $3.50? jeez! Oh wait, that $3.44 also includes the grilled cheese sandwich I had! wow. So simple, and yet I've been paying $5 for a footlong sub, or $6+ for a meal at In-n-Out! NICE!

So, I have a lot of other thoughts today, but I need to gather them before I post. So that's all for now.

They come in threes

Today saw the tragic loss of three outstanding, blue star, capped brothers. New, Castle & Brown Ale were all horrible killed in a freak accident when their commander mistakenly tried to lead them home from Saturn with one hand! The supporting barricade could not withstand the force of gravity and buckled under the pressure, sending all 24, highly fragile soldiers plummeting towards Earth at approximately 9.81 m/s/s. Luckily, 21 of the original 24 survived with minor scratches and surface wounds. They survivors were then given a thorough detox and are now safe, or "chillin" as the cool kids say, in their proper destination.

In lieu of flowers, we ask that everyone "pour one for the homies." If you find that wasteful, please send a fresh replacement.

Thank you!


This also means my budget per beer went up $0.14/bottle, and brought my daily total to $6.25 :( so sad!

I need napkins

Note to self #2: Don't eat finger foods like corn on the cob without having napkins in your house!

Anyway. Here is a picture of my dinner tonight. This dinner cost me $2.96! Well, technically the corn, bell pepper and onion was leftover from last week when I was experimenting with chicken dishes, but still. It is chicken breast in Sioux-z-wow sauce, sauteed sweet onions and bell peppers, corn and salad with Italian dressing and a glass of red wine (again from my prior purchases). It was great minus the no napkin thing! And as always, I cleaned up after myself and did all the dishes.

Tomorrow night I am going to hammer some meat (haha had to say it-chicken) place some ricotta and mozzarella cheese with sun-dried tomatoes on it, roll it up, place it in the crock pot, throw in a can of diced tomatoes, and let it cook for about an hour, hour and a half. It's marinating in Italian right now. Should be moist and delicious, but it could also come out as a waste of $3, since I'm making it up! oh well. We shall see!

I'm going to continue typing until my internet decides to come back, so I don't have to redo all of this!

Op! There it is! WHEW! Almost typed that I got something in both my eyes watching the end of Definitely, Maybe. That was close!

Impregnation and Anonymity

Hello everyone. For those of you who are still confused about the post where I said I knocked someone up and was going to marry them, I didn't do either. If you kept reading, below the goal, I put in parenthesis that the entire first half of that paragraph was made up. I did not knock anyone up and I wasn't planning on marrying anyone. Just checking to see how well everyone read before getting to the end. Know I know which of you start books but don't finish them! bwa ha haa

Also, if you're going to leave a comment and don't have a profile, please put your name at the end so I know who you are. Otherwise, it just says, "Anonymous said blah blah blah." So yeah, leave your name at the end. Unless you want to remain anonymous, which hasn't been cool since 4/13/05.

That is all.

Bejeweled Blitz is crack!

So, if I had half as much determination in ANY other aspect of my life as I do for getting higher and higher scores on that stupid game on facebook, I'd be a millionaire already! Anyways, let's get this thing started. First, to sum up what has happened since my last post, which I believe was like Thursday or Friday or something. Let's just say Thursday.

Friday, I don't really remember. Ummm OH YEAH! I made it through without spending a dime. After work, I drove 85 miles to Moorpark to spend the 3rd of July with some family friends. We used to go there every third, but haven't been in a while, so it was very nice to see everyone again.

Saturday was the 4th of July. I worked until 3 and then drove to my parents. Didn't spend a dime that day or Sunday. Enjoyed the 4th with my family in Temecula, but it just didn't "feel" like the 4th. Maybe it was the lack of fireworks or a break from the "usual" but it was missing something. Who knows, maybe it was a girlfriend. My mom pointed out that it was the first time I was single for the 4th. I told her I know that I'm the man and all, but I think there was about 6 years where I was single. Age 0-6. ;) All kidding aside, it was the first time in about 10 years I didn't have a girlfriend there though. jeez.

I spent some time talking to my MOMS, which was nice. Apparently they both enjoy reading my blog. In fact, it seemed like most people looked forward to it for some reason I still don't understand. I'll tell you one thing, it is kind of odd to have everyone know what's going on with you, and be super confused because you don't how they know, until they tell you they read your blog. Maybe I'm too open! Or, maybe I haven't ever been open, and that's why they enjoy it. They can finally see inside this chiseled body to the soft, emotional parts of Kyle. Uh oh, now I'm thinking...

I have, over the years, realized that when I'm feeling a particular "good" feeling about someone or something, and - wait, let me just give an example. I'm dating a girl, and all day I've been thinking about how much I love her and I'm going to do something romantic and tell her when I see her tonight. I get there, I'm all ready, then something happens. She's pissed at me or she says something that I think is so stupid and then BAM! All romanticism and love is gone. Isn't that the point when I should tell them the most? Have I been looking for a reason or excuse NOT to share or open up? Is that why my relationships get to a certain comfortable point and stop. I know we all over-exaggerate the love and the affection and the dates when we're in courtship mode, then over time it fades. But why? Why is it that you only see one out what seems every 1000 people that can keep that love and happiness going for decades? Hmm. I don't think I'm ready to make this a new goal. Don't know if it's just setting myself up for failure, but here it goes anyway.

Goal #7: Express my feelings not matter what wrench is thrown in. Don't wait. If I'm feeling something, there's always a way to let someone know! (Oh, and just in case you're wondering how I remember what # I'm on, I have an excel spreadsheet to accompany this blog haha)

AND BAM! He's already on top of it! Just sent a text! Guess I can just croooooooooss that one off now? :-\ haha Just kidding.

Sorry for the tangent. It happens though. Deal with it. Where was I? Oh yeah, the 4th, my moms, enjoying this blog. My moms wanted a shout out so I think y'all got three so far! And for those of you thinking that I just call my mom, "moms," I have two moms. My parents are still married-shocking, I know- but my mom and her best friend have been inseperable since I was 2, so we jokingly call them my "moms" or life partners.

Sunday, SUNDAY, sunday! Woke up. Watched the ridiculous Wimbledon finals. Watched Tiger win again. Lounged in the pool. Ate leftovers. Went golfing, which was free because my dad had a gift card. Oh and on the golfing front, my blog has motivated me to give up the perks of playing at 6-7 am and play twilight instead. Same course, near same weather, BUT HALF PRICE! Normally we would play SCGA at 7am for $68 each. Instead, we went at 4 and paid $58 for the PAIR! good stuff.

Monday, took a lazy day. Spent $10 on valet parking for my last dance class. Then $7 on ice cream. Oh and $18 on a haircut. $35 for the day. Only sad thing is that the haircut is the only thing that lasted beyond that day. The pint of Cherry's Garcia sadly saw its demise. RIP Mrs. Garcia.

Tuesday, took another lazy day HA! Went shopping at Sam's club and spent $151. But I also went to staples and returned $21 worth of stuff that I've had for a few months! So make that $130! I got a lot of things, and my hope is that these things will last for the next 13 days. I got 5lbs of ground beef and 12 breasts of chicken. I split up the beef into 5 bags and put a pound in each, and split the chicken up into 6 bags of 2 breasts each. If I simply eat the beef and the chicken each night, that should last me 11 days! I also got bread, cheese and ham for sandwiches, and buns for the pulled pork I made yesterday. These things alone should tide my eating for the next 13 days, but I also got some tortillas, lettuce, water, 3 frozen pizzas, a 24 pack of newcastle and dog food. I've been so anal and conscious of this new spending, that I've even broken down the cost of most of these things, so I can monitor if I'm spending more or less than the $10/day. So this should be interesting! haha I also spent $20 after volleyball at Islands.

So since Thursday, I've spent $55, which is $5 over the $10/day, but it includes the haircut, which will last one month! SO SUCK IT BUDGET! I win!

I did not get up to exercise yesterday or today though, which was dumb because now I have to do three days in a row!

Well, it's now time for me to go and try to beat someone's score on Bejeweled for the next 28 minutes, then call it a night so I don't wake up late for my morning jog!

Crap. I forgot that I spent $135 on more dance classes over the next 6 weeks as well as $22 for a volleyball tournament on Sunday. Both things I'm not sorry over deciding on (a la goal #3-handling wants over 24 hours, as I did for both) So I think that I'm rockin! Keep it up Kyle!

Right place, right time?

Ok. I'm torn on opinions here. I can say, and believe, one of two things here.

Take 1:
Isn't it strange how things seem to happen at the right time? The sermon the week you decide to go to church seems to be aimed directly at you. The movie you watch tends to portray your life at that exact moment. An article on Yahoo! has a heading and advice on budget problems the day your bills are due.

Take 2:
Isn't it strange how much you're aware of things when they are applicable to your current situation? You buy a new Accord and all of the sudden it seems like EVERYONE has an Accord. Wait, bad example. Everyone DOES have an Accord. The sermon the week you decide to go is on a subject that you can relate to. The movie you watch has situations, that you would have otherwise just watched, but you're drawn to tie the moral into YOUR life. There are 4 articles on Yahoo! about love, health, money and Michael Jackson, but you only notice the one about love because you just broke up with someone.

Whichever take you agree with doesn't matter. All that matters is that it does, temporarily, motivate you! And tonight, a stupid movie that I put on my Netflix did just this. It was called Run Fat Boy, Run! In case I didn't mention it already, which we both know I did, it was stupid! Brief synopsis: Loser ditches pregnant bride at altar, continues dead-end job, is overweight, irresponsible, broke and finds out his baby mamma found a new man. He decides to run a marathon to both compete against new guy and prove he can finish something he starts. New guy trips him in marathon, sprains ankle, finishes anyway. Wins girl. Gag.

I know you're probably thinking to yourself, "Hmmm. How does this relate to Kyle?" Well I'll tell you. I recently inpregnated a woman and we thought of getting married. Then we realized that we were both broke and I was too irresponsible. And tonight, on the drive home, I was thinking about one of the brilliant ideas I mentioned back in post 1 or 2, about using exercise to deter myself from spending money. I think it was something like, "Get in shape AND save money? Brilliant!" Anywho. I was going to post tonight about how I am going to COMMIT to this, but in a different way, and then I watched this movie and although it was stupid, it did motivate me. It being stupid isn't the point. The point is that they made the movie because it's believable and relatable and I related. The only Hollywood fantasy was that he probably wouldn't have gotten the girl in real life. So here's a new goal.

Goal #6: Exercise at least 3 days/week (between M-F) before work!

The key factor in this goal is the 'before work' part. (Oh and before my phone blows up, the entire first half of that paragraph was made up.) It's key because even though I have the time before AND after work, I need to instill a sort of "lifestyle change" and I don't think working out after work will do anything for me. I will also be starting this goal tomorrow, so I don't just push it off for another week!

My hopes are that this will give me more energy throughout the day. Get me up earlier in the morning and working. And show me that I can really commit to something that I know will be the hardest.

*****

Update on the past 4 days, since I haven't blogged. After accomplishing goal #4 & #5, blog for 7 days straight and spend $10/day on misc. things, respectively, as well as doing a lot of housework, I thought I should reward myself. In retrospect, it was exactly the WRONG decision. So, here I am to fess up to what I spent, and come up with a way to make it up! It's so easy to make excuses, as there's always some sort of birthday or holiday you can blame it on, but it's also just as easy to come up with alternatives. One just requires less thought.

SO:
Sunday - I spent $5 on Del Taco, which is my new least favorite place. POOOOOOOOOORQUE DEL TACO???? And $33 at PF Changs where I had an unnecessary $7 glass of wine. (TOTAL: $38)

Monday - I spent $6 on In-N-Out.

Tuesday - I spent $15 on golf, $13 on In-N-Out for Scott and me (lost a bet). $10 on dinner. $13 at 711 on completely unnecessary items. I could have saved probably $23 here, but didn't. (TOTAL: $51)

Wednesday - I spent $68 on groceries. Now, this isn't all a waste, as I got some spices that I'll use forever, and some pork that should last me a few days. I did probably make too much chicken last night though.

Total for 4 days = $163 or about $41/day I'm going to say that about $40 is on things that I will still use, so bring it to $123 or $31/day. :::shaking my head at myself:::

Today I spent $5 :::SMILING:::

Till next time...

I fell off the wagon...

pretty hard! More to come later, as I have nothing to do tonight! Just know that I definitely took a step backward this weekend. :(

Before and After Room

Before & After and some progress shots.

Frustration

RESPONSIBILITY SUCKS MY ASS! Installing carpet, something I pictured me being done with at about 930 tonight, also SUCKS MY ASS! Sorry for the graphic descriptions, as I know you're picturing it - if you weren't, you are now suckaaaaaaaa - but it's the only way you can understand my frustration. I don't want to be the one doing this :(((((( hahaha sigh. This was a venting break slash blog post to keep the streak alive! Here are some pictures of the process of CARPET INSTALLATION 2009!!!

It started with the carpet I wanted coming in a 15' width instead of 12'. More money and more length to try to fit in my Vue.
Oh and as soon as i wheeled this to my car, a mustang with two guys sat there and watched me load this in for like 10 minutes...just to get the parking spot. Can't blame them, I probably would have done the same thing.

this is me attempting to start.
This is me ridiculously frustrated!
Then Jim came to save the day. He did this through High School and part of college. Fixed my rookie mistakes in about 10 minutes. Now all we need to do, apparently, is cut it and THE ROOM IS FINALLY DONE! Back to regular, not-as-responsible responsibility like I'm used to! hahaThanks Jim!

I'll take Famous Tities for $500 Trebek

Title courtesy of "Sean Connery" or Will Ferrell! I love that man. Just so you all know why I haven't had a good blog this week, I've been swamped at work and I've been trying to get the house ready for a new roommate. So instead of reading my brilliant literary works, you get to see what I'm doing! I'm making this god-awful room WHITE! then re-carpeting! OH JOY! At least a friend is coming over to help! Who does this in the first place?

After photos

Before & After
What a difference!
There is still work to be done though!

ACCOMPLISHMENTS!

Today feels great! I have now stuck to blogging 7 days in a row! Goal CHECK!

AAAAAAAAND I can't wait to get home and see what the backyard looks like!!!! It feels great to finally have that off my back. I'll post pictures later! Now I just need to do a few more things and simply maintain! This should be good for me as something to do instead of spending money! Nurse my house back to health.

I'm also not going to be sticking to my current budget plan (even though I could get through the rest of the day without spending $1) because I had promised to make my mom(s) dinner tonight for her 55th bday! Filet mignon with a balsamic glaze and grilled veggies! So instead, I'll try and stretch the $10/thing another week to makeup for Father's Day and the birthday.

A lot to feel good about today even if it is simple little things. Baby steps!

I hope you can all feel the excitement reading this. I mean, there's about 24 exclamation points for crying out loud! 25 :)

12 day update

It's been about 12 days since I've started this whole blogging thing. I'm not tired and there's nothing on TV so I thought I'd think about any progress I've made!

In 12 days, I've only missed one day! Holy crap! I just realized that when I blog tomorrow, goal #1/4 will be achieved! 7 days of blogging. Jeez where does the time go!?

I've definitely been more conscious of day-to-day costs and the importance of each.

I've also found it extremely difficult to commit to everything. Just today after volleyball, I got in a "little voice inside my head" argument! I don't know what's worse, the fact that it was so difficult to commit to something or that instead of ONE little voice inside my head, I HAD TWO!! AND THEY WERE ARGUING!! After this inner struggle over the dumbest of things - to enjoy a beer with dinner as always after volleyball and deal with my shortage of $ later or get water and stick to $10/day - my newfound strength to be responsible and commit won! I still don't understand why it was so hard to order the water. Maybe all of the, "WHAAAAT" I would receive from the guys or maybe the fear of being the "one" that "can't afford it." Whatever it was, it was silly and even though I got a little flack, it was worth it! I mean, what does ONE beer do anyways? Sure it tastes good, but so does water and it's just 12 less ounces of carbs ;) I also had a little backup from the pops who encouraged them to read my blog so they would understand. Thanks dad!

What kind of life have I been living that the simple decision to imbibe in a certain type of beverage could create so much inner conflict? Maybe that's it. This SHOULD create this kind of conflict. I SHOULD be worried about spending an extra $4/week, or $200/year on something that has virtually ZERO satasfaction/purpose. I mean, when we all see someone who we KNOW is financially fortuneless there's no mental dam preventing us from chiming in about how they can't afford it, and I'm no better! Sure, I make a decent living, but what's it all worth if it's just collateral?

***Just so you all know, while writing the previous paragraph, I figured that $4/week was about $200/year and IMMEDIATELY reallocated that money to 3-4 more golf courses I could play, as opposed to saving it and applying it to my debt! WOW! This is going to be a tough habit to kick!

Haha, after the last two paragraphs, I can't really say I've made too much progress now can I? If anything, I can say that I'm at least conscious of these things and making the right decisions, whereas before I had a, "deal-with-it-later" type of attitude.

I will accomplish one goal tomorrow, and with only $20 for the next two days, I hope to accomplish another on Friday! Wish me luck and stay tuned!

THAT'S ALL FOLKS! (for today)

Corrections!

I didn't post that I only spent $10 on Saturday (two Newcastles at Mike's Bday). And I spent $20 on Monday, which drove me NUTS today trying to figure out why I was short a $10 until I realized I spent $10 on lunch and then the $10 on the parking and CPK.

Responsibility in action!

The driveway before work. Looking from the front of the house to the back! wowzas. That's a huge cactus. And the backyard...like I said previously, I forgot to take the picture BEFORE work began! So the 6' trees are now horizontal and in a pile :(




and my doggy! Shilo!

Responsibility take 2

Today I tended to two things that I've been avoiding the responsibility on for a LONG time. The first is giving my dog a bath. The second is tackling the ecosystem that is my backyard! It's gotten way too out of control. There's a cactus that is about 12 feet high and about 6 feet wide, as well as random life forms popping up in the driveway and lawn. I think there might even be stray cats living back there. Anyway, I shopped around and found someone to completely take it on. Quite costly! For $350, they are going to remove the cactus, which two people told me would normally cost about $200 alone, as well as remove another dead plum tree and the rest of the mess.

What I found so funny about this was that it was SO hard to commit to spending $350 on this, which was something that HAS to be done, but it wasn't hard at all to go to the ATM and spend $350 to gamble with, which was what started this entire situation!

Crap. I should have taken a few pictures. Let me go do that.

Oh, and yesterday I spent $10. - $4 on valet for dance class. $3 for parking for dinner and $3 for dinner at CPK/paying for Marissa's parking. (thanks to Marissa buying my dinner).

27, 28, 29...

Sorry everyone, but I've been busy a lot lately with work and with trying to get the house ready for a new roommate! So again, I've got nothing but "yawns" in my head! I know you anxiously sit at your computer waiting for me to tweet or facebook update saying I posted something new so you can come straight here and read it, as evidenced by my astonishing number of blog views. So check back tomorrow to get my blog views up to 31 or 32 and maybe my post will rock you world. ;) For now, it's time for me to pass out on the couch!

Father's Day

Well, today was Father's Day AND my mom's senior citizen (haha) bday! I went out to spend the day with the old man! We played some golf, with the word "played" being used very loosely! Let's just say we probably would have both shot over 100 if we didn't have about 10 mulligans!

Today was my exception to my $10/day budget, as it was a holiday. During the day, with budget in mind, I thought about how many times my parents were probably in the financial situation I'm in now, in order to provide me with the life I've had. It got me thinking about how grateful I am, that someone else would put their own wants second to mine and how good it made me feel to give back to my dad today with something as simple as golf and dinner, and most of all, the time we got to spend together. My relationship with him hasn't ever been an emotional, heartfelt display of affection, but we both know that just spending the time together and sucking at golf is more than we simpletons could ever ask for. Sure, we wouldn't mind being able to afford to jet off to Scotland to suck at golf, but the balls are probably more expensive there and the current state of his putting game would not be compatible with those greens! ;) Love ya dad!

So today, the money I spent has only a memorable value! Happy Father's Day!

Oh and happy birthday mom! Hopefully you won big in vegas!

6/19/09

I didn't spend any money yesterday! Got some work done with my computer only crashing TWICE! no deep thoughts for the day though.

I'll say one thing for today, my head just keeps thinking about all the things i want to do. Go kart with my dad for father's day, golf for fathers day, going out tonight, etc. It's tough to figure out which to do, considering all of them and then making the best decision. As opposed to the old ways of, "just do it all!"

$HEE$H

I spent $31 for 6/18 - $5 for subway lunch and $26 at Ralph's for dinner and two bottles of wine.

I'm spending too much money! I have averaged $22.79 PER DAY!!!! My biggest expenditures have been the Newcastle, and the two bottles of wine for a grand total of about $26. Granted these purchases last a little longer (and the dinner I made last night should be enough to last for another 2 days) so that could bring my "per diem" down to 17.73. Damn, that's a lot of money! Time to make a change in the way I handle this miscellaneous spending!

Goal #5: Average $10/day over the next 7 days! (golf excluded for this task)

This is going to be tough! Sounds simple, but this is a big lifestyle change. A much-needed change and a more realistic change, but tough nonetheless!

Drained

All this complex thinking has apparently sucked all energy out of me! I've had about 6 cups of coffee and 4 pieces of candy, and can hardly keep my eyes open! AND I FELL ASLEEP AT LIKE 11 LAST NIGHT!

Mentally, it's been a tough week. Trying to keep up with this, find a new roommate, worry about my business and getting the day-to-day tasks out of the way, has got me burnt! So we shall see what delusional thoughts I come up with on what's sure to be the longest drive home ever!

Not a post worth reading, but that's alllllllll that's up in between the ears!

Oops

Didn't post yesterday, so technically, Goal #1 was not accomplished. It's not that I didn't have time, because I did, but that I had planned on watching a movie and getting some work done and blogging post-movie. However, I passed out during the movie, then went to bed. Should have done it when it was in my head instead of putting it off! Typical Kyle. I recognize that I am the one responsible for it and it was my own fault.

So, goal #1 is BACK on the table as:

GOAL #4: 7 days of blogging starting today!

I spent $9.50 on food and a car wash for 6/17

nada

I got nothing for today folks! just money spent: $14 for lunch and dinner!

Lame Title: Selfish

I didn't have much going on upstairs today and was worried I'd have nothing to report other than the excessive money spent! But alas, the brain got going during dinner after dance classes.

The thing that's so odd about these thoughts is that I've thought them multiple times randomly over the last decade, but that's where they stayed. Before I get to them, I want to address another thought regarding this blog.

I started this knowing full well people would have their opinions and views on it. What I didn't expect was for me to realize these things when, apparently, so many people already "knew" I needed this and were just "waiting." Kind of tough to hear, kind of funny to hear who, but all instrumental in what I'm trying to accomplish in figuring out "who I am." So I welcome it, as tough as it is.

One of the toughest things to do through all of this, I think, is to try and see if there's some common theme or relation to all of these thoughts and actions. I feel like I can already see some, but it's still early, so I'll give it more time. ;)

CAUTION: May be tough to read

One thought that I've had more times than I can count is my funeral. This thought has evolved over the years. It started as, "If I died, who would come to the funeral and what would they be saying/feeling?" Of course you wonder if you would be able to hear the thoughts and see everything one last time during your own funeral. Over time, it's changed to having something medically wrong with me, curable, but life-threatening, so I would survive, but also get to see what people felt and see who showed up. Don't get me wrong, these are terrible things that nobody should ever wish on someone, let alone themselves, but they are all thoughts that have, at some point, crossed my mind. And don't say they haven't crossed yours, because we've all seen them in movies.

The only reasons I can come up with that I would even think this is to gain attention or say I've done something like overcome a disease. Which brings me to the other thought.

I have always seen myself as being ahead of the curve - as seen in post #1 - and figured I'd be more "successful" or accomplished by 25 than my peers would be at 30. I don't know if it's because I wanted to SAY I was or because I felt I deserved it. Regardless, that's what I thought. When I heard of people I knew from high school that have "accomplished" so many things already, that I felt didn't deserve it or weren't capable of it, I'd get upset internally and come back the next day more motivated to do something. Well, here I am at 25, still struggling with my own budget, credit card debt, and a mental complex that I can't determine if it's growing or diminishing by posting this blog haha. Maybe that's where my problem lies.

Maybe I've only decided to perform when someone else is doing better than me or someone is encroaching on what I "deserve." That's not how things should be working. I need to perform because I want to perform. I need to work for the things I want or realize I'm not getting them because I'm not working for it. I don't feel like I've ever been spoiled, even though my sister disagrees ;), so I don't know why I think this, but it's time for it to end.

Goal #3: If I want something, come up with a clear reason for why I deserve it. Wait 24 hours, and if I still feel like my justification is satisfactory, then consider it. If it's something more immediate, trust my gut.

Goal #3 was posted tonight because of last night. I posted that I only spent $20 yesterday, but I ended up going out to dinner and a movie, spending another $33, bringing the total to $53 for 6/14. I could have lived without going out to dinner and the movie, but didn't want to let others down, so I gave in, knowing I could have easily have said no and been just fine. A decision made wholly by myself! And the others wouldn't have cared either way!

Money spent for 6/15: eeesh. let's see...$34 ($5 for subway, $29 for dinner for two - same person that paid my parking tonight and my In-n-out yesterday)

I know there really isn't a lot of "flow" and transition between thoughts and paragraphs, but it's the beginning and I'm just getting them out. I'll sort it all out later and develop them further. SHIT! There I go again worrying more about what YOU think about my writing style than the point of the writing. So please, disregard that first sentence of this paragraph. I'll write however I want!

The end!