Last night - new years eve - Brad Paisley's last tweet was, "Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." It inspired me. If not for the entire year, at least temporarily. So, here it goes. This is the first post of my 365 page book. Welcome to the present!
Going into 2010 I already had expectations. Knowing that my job will be gone and I'll have to find a new one or pick a different path was already stressing me out. (Keep in mind I'm kind of buzzed writing this post...it's been a quasi crappy way to start the new year.). I THOUGHT my new year was going to start out ideal; golfing in the morning, a little lunch, a nap and some college football, dinner and some dancing at a "new" venue for me. Perhaps even meet a few new people.
After staying out until 130-200 am, and getting up at 645 for golf, I was really excited for what this new year had to bring. However, once I got to the golf course and realized the people that were supposed to be there were not there, the day turned from awesome to depressing in no time. I thought I was going to start it with friends and one of my favorite things to do, when instead I was alone and had nothing to do. I couldn't help but feel as I had been feeling for the last few weeks: alone and depressed.
I went home and watched some of the Rose Parade, reminiscing about the many parades I had marched as Trojan, and wishing life were as "simple" as it was in college. It got me thinking about how there are so many movies about High School angst and Mid-Life crises, but not so many about the people that are still struggling with what to do after college, and before they're married with children. Where does one turn to? Especially being the only one to go to college. Who do I go to for advice? I'm lost and I don't know who to turn to.
After sitting around the house sulking in silence, desperately staring at my phone for SOMEONE to text or call, I gave up on the year already. I went to dinner with my roommate, once he came home, and although he had no clue, it was the happiest moment of my day.
We came home, and in a food stupor, I fell asleep for a few hours. Doing absolutely nothing and thinking about how you have nothing do is exhausting.
After my "nap" I sat around debating on whether or not to go out dancing. For those that don't know, I'm a country music fan and love two-stepping and line dancing, even though I'm mediocre at best. I sat around having an argument with myself that went something like this: "If you just keep sleeping, you'll be just fine. But if you go out, you may meet some new people that enjoy doing what you do and make 2010 different than 2009." This went on for about 45 minutes before I decided to actually go out.
I arrived at Incahoots, a local country music bar. I met up with some of my friends from Cowboy Country, which is a place I frequent at least once a month. After having a few drinks, I still sat there intimidated by the younger crowd and feeling like I couldn't compete for anyone's attention and didn't have the "moves" to have the ladies come approach me! ;) I started to think again. "This year sucks. I suck. I got no confidence and nothing is different. I can't even come up with an excuse to change things!!"
After another couple drinks and a few dances I knew, I went out and at least enjoyed myself. However, I'm still stuck struggling with what to do with myself, who I am and how to get through all this without sounding like a depressed, disfunctional human being that masks his lack of confidence and strength with jokes and a fake smile. I need to change this.
If I plan on making 2010 the best year of my life, I've got a lot of work to do. Well Brad, there's day 1 of 365.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment