My mind talks too much!

Back in post #1 (I know! MONTHS ago) I talked about the little voice in your head. You know the one. It's probably saying, "Voice in my head? I don't have a voice in my head. That's for crazy people!" to you right now! Anyway, the point is that MINE DOESN'T EVER STFU!

Tonight was the first night of spending 15 minutes alone repeating the same phrases and beliefs to help me focus on my career and make it a priority in my thought, and it was nearly impossible to get the voice in my head to stop trying to talk over the projected voice! UGH!

I tried talking out loud. I tried talking LOUDLY in my head. I tried to close my eyes and clear everything away. I tried to strip away each thing that was there. I tried yelling at the voice in my head (I think it mocked me back like a sassy 5yr old girl). Basically, as I sat there trying to focus, my mind was going 100mph.

MY MIND:
You should be working instead of sitting in your room talking to a wall. What if someone saw you? This is pretty silly. Do you even believe what you're saying? Do you believe this will really work? You should be over at the computer getting your website noticed. You know what would work better, try this! Has it been 15 minutes yet? How do you know if it's 15 minutes if your phone is off and you didn't look at the clock? You want to look at the clock don't you? etc. etc.

I even tried closing my eyes, picturing my most peaceful place possible, which was a tee box on a beautiful green golf course, and as soon as I pictured a tee box, every possible hazard or obstacle automatically followed. There was a 100 yard canyon to carry, with water all along the left side, water along the right, and trees in the middle of the fairway. You think a psychologist would have an opinion on why that happened? Something like, "This symbolizes how you only see the obstacles in the path to your ultimate goal." That's how I saw it at least. Maybe I should have thought of sitting at the river drinking a beer!

This kind of upset me because that's exactly the opposite of how I'm trying to think. There are no obstacles, just opportunity. But hey, Rome wasn't built in a day! I kept on truckin' and continued repeating for another 5 straight minutes or so. I know this will be a process, but eventually I'll be able to remove the obstacles, see the fairway and stripe a 300 yarder down the middle!

In other news, I spoke with Scott today about our website and the changes I want to make, so progress with the business is in motion. I am going to post this and do a solid hour of work at least and continue thinking positive thoughts!

Oh and for the record, I have not spent a dime on alcohol for 21 straight days now. I have a lot more money, I have more energy and I'm on a somewhat normal sleep schedule now too. Amazing. OH, and getting buzzed only takes ONE PBR now! haha

Budget of $10/day is still being followed fairly strictly, too! LIFE IS GOOD!

Redundancy is annoying

Looking back at the last year, I can count at least 4 times when I've told myself, my business partner, my dad, my girfriend, my imaginary friend...that, "I'm ready to give it my all and I'm re-focused!"

I am SO SICK of hearing me say that, just to find myself two weeks later unmotivated and uninterested again!

Well folks, welcome to Groundhog Day!

I am re-motivated and ready to work for myself again!

I sit here and stress about money and things I want and can't have, yet I do nothing to work towards eliminating this stress, when there is a HUGE opportunity right in front of me. It's just plain dumb, and I know it is, yet I've just shrugged it off. Moron!

The aforementioned reason is not the only motivational factor though. Recently, I heard about this thing called, "The Secret!" Thanks to Wikipedia, I read a little bit about it and found it interesting. Anyone that knows me also knows that I would scoff at the notion that "positive thinking will generate positive results in the universe" or something akin to that, but I figure that if anything, at least I'll be positive and happy, so why not give it a shot, right?

I also looked at the Wikipedia page on meditation. Don't ask me why, because I don't know either. Hold on and hum elevator muzak while I Wiki "mantras."
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mantra: etymology means man- "To think" and tra- "tool", so a mantra is, in essence, an instrument of thought. NICE!

Much like I have done with many other aspects of my life described in this blog, I am going to translate me new found ability to "focus" on things into my career!

Each day, I will devote 15 minutes of silence to myself, reciting a mantra (to be made up tonight) that will be relegated to believing and focusing on my career.

I know some of you may be thinking, "Wait! Ins't a mantra and meditation a religious thing? Is he becoming buddhist?" The simple answer to that is, "NO!" Those of you that know me, also know my views on religion. That being said, there is no reason, to me, that this "secret"-ask-believe-receive thing coupled with mantra-meditation-motivation won't help me put my career as a priority in life. And if you look at "The secret" and mantras and meditation, they're pretty similar, at least from what I've read.

This is WAY out there for me, so bare with me if I didn't make it 100% clear to you tonight because I'm not quite sure of everything yet myself. Heh! This will be interesting. Basic principle to me is: If I make it a priority to constantly be in my head (much like I did with my budget), I won't want to escape it because it's making my life better.

Oh and as for not posting for the past like two weeks, fuhgeddaboutit! Just know I have stuck to my budget (fairly well actually) and I'm happy again. Let's see where this new positive mental attitude can get me!

Now it's time to think of a mantra! This excites me...mentally!

long overdue

Time for an update I'm sure! Im hoping back on the blog train, but this time I'm probably going to be spending more time on my business. I think I'm ready to make it grow now. Don't worry, I'll still be here updating my personal progress!

SUCK!

I feel terrible. Mentally. I have felt anxiety for about a month now, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm better off financially, mentally, physically, yet I still feel short of breath and my heart is racing all day. I don't like it. I feel depressed almost, as I am unmotivated and nervous all the time. I can't put my finger on it either. I'm thinking about finding a psychologist. I want someone to talk to about me, who can give me some OUTSIDE interpretation about MY actual feelings, without knowing history and whatnot. I almost feel like I just need to (as gay as this sounds) sit in my room and weep for an hour or something.

So, just so you all know, this is the reason I haven't posted in like a week. That and Thursday and Saturday were long days with the Alan Jackson concert and UFC fight. Oh and last night was a long night with a plumber that cost me $360.

So that's all for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. OH! And I'm also not looking for some sort of "aww kyle im sorry...etc." I just put this post as part of my goal of expressing my feelings when I have them.

WDYD 8/5

Today I spent $8 for In-N-Out at lunch! It was amazing! I made brown sugar and cinnamon blueberry pancakes for dinner with eggs and apple juice I got yesterday for dinner. Kept me below my $10/day budget. I also got up this morning and ate my delicious cereal on the front porch and enjoyed 10 minutes of the morning before work. So today, I enjoyed life and the little things, and appreciated the things that I have! Life is good!

Time to go watch a movie or crash! G'night y'all!

WDYD 8/4/09

Today I mowed the front and back yard, cut most of the Jasmine Ivy off the front porch, watered the lawns, got a car wash and went to the grocery store. I got some breakfast stuff at the grocery store, and I can't WAIT to eat it tomorrow. AND IT'S ONLY CEREAL!! Thanks to Dave, I bought cereal and blueberries and raspberries and bananas for breakfast! MMMM I also played volleyball for 3.5 hours.

So I worked on one of my goals (nursing the house), made it through day 4 of not purchasing alcohol, and I've had 3 situations where I would have normally purchased a few drinks, and exercised! I didn't stick to the budget, as I spent $15 on dinner,which I pretty much always do. I spent $35 at the grocery store, but that stuff will average out to a dollar here and there over the course of using it.

Today was a great day, and as I stated in my post earlier, I'm feeling great about life. However, I do have a pessimistic side saying that life is too good, and something crappy is going to happen soon. I know it's terrible to think like that, but whatever, it's up there. I'm going to relax for a bit now and hit the hay! Tomorrow I will improve what I started today (nursing the house)!!

Quality of life is improving!

I've been doing this blog now for just under 2 months. In the last week or so, I've really started to enjoy life more. There are still stresses, but they are more manageable. I've also begun to enjoy silly little things like breezes and the weather in general.

Today I was mowing the lawn, and although it was hot, I somehow enjoyed it. This was very odd because I hate mowing the lawn. Maybe it's the satisfaction I get from seeing the before and after. Maybe it's because I enjoyed being outside and it was peaceful. Maybe it's that I'm finally noticing the positive things instead of constantly complaining that I have to 'do work.' Who knows? Whatever it is, I love it and I hope it continues!

WDYD x 3

Saturday: I ate dinner at home, using my sam's club purchases ($2.36 worth) and I spent $5 at cowboy country. I didn't buy any alcohol. So I stuck to my budget and I resisted buying a drink!

Sunday: I enjoyed the day to the fullest, and only spent $9 on ice cream for two. Oh crap! I made sandwiches and dinner using Sam's club purchases $5.72. Crap crap crap. So i dont have a clue what i did today to make my life better.

Monday: Today i played golf twice. Two rounds and lunch at islands cost me $70. I don't normally count golf in this whole thing, but that was an amazing value for my day. I did do some deep thinking while talking to a friend though. Came up with this:

See tomorrow as an opportunity to improve what you started today, not as a day to start what you were going to do yesterday.

It plays into this whole WDYD thing. I need to start thinking about what I'm GOING to do to improve my life each day, so I don't find myself at 11:57 pm replaying the day only to find out I didn't do crap!

oh wait, something good did come out of today. My second round of golf had a bet and it wasn't monetary! Scott and I bet that the loser had to pass out our business flyers by next monday! I WON! I at least hope it's overcast for the poor guy!

I've also noticed that I tend to go a week, then update this on a Monday, and I need to get back into posting daily! More to come manana!

WDYD?

What did I do yesterday to improve my life? I didn't spend a dime! I went home and watered the lawn, made some grilled cheese sandwiches. Sorry, made the BEST grilled cheese sandwiches EVER! And I stayed in for the night. I guess I did spend SOME money, as the cheese and the bread was from that Sam's club trip. I'm guessing the total was around $0.90. Maybe I should go online on days like this, and spend my remaining $10/day towards a debt. I mean, it's free billpay, so who cares if I have a $9 today, $5 tomorrow, $10 the next, as it all adds up! Did I just come up with a great idea?