Lame post title: Epiphany

Last night I was playi--- losing money I can't afford to lose at poker and drinking a few Newcastles, when I busted out for another $100! I had already lost about $260 and had my last hundred back up to $225. As I was walking to my car, frustrated and wishing I could literally kick my own ass - I thought about the scene from Me, Myself & Irene with Jim Carey where he did just that- I realized that I am living a life that I want to live, but I'm not currently at the point financially or mentally to live like that.

I've convinced myself that having $1000 in my account means that I have money to spend and that I can, at times, "hook a brotha up" with some drinks or some golf or go gamble for a bit. This is entirely untrue. Yes, I can afford to go out for drinks and a good time occasionally, but not for drinks three nights in a row, picking up the tab, golfing, gambling, eating out on top of having my regular expenses.

I have over $100k in student loans still. I have some credit card debt. I have taxes I haven't paid. I owe money to my business partner. I can't afford SHIT, yet I like to give advice to everyone else on "saving" and paying off CC debt and... So there's the financial aspect of why I am not ready to live like I want.

The mental aspect is the toughest part to cope with. I've always thought of myself as mentally sound, except between holes 1 and 18, and more mature than most people my age, when really, I'm just quite "typical." I've been delusional within myself, downplaying the actual costs of my actions, not just monetarily, and amplifying my ability to understand and dish out advice on the same subject.

So now, I'm going to be honest with myself and try to commit to something I've been struggling with since sophomore year of college: responsibility. (As silly as it is, that was really tough for me to admit.)

This is the beginning of me displaying this struggle for the public to see, so I can't lie to myself or friends, so I can see and review what I say I'm going to do instead of just "forgetting" about it and to commit to it once and for all!

Kyle