My Testimony

My Religious History

Faith. Most people think of something religious when this word is mentioned. The only faith I knew of was the faith I have in my 5-iron. If I tried to hit my driver, my next shot would be my third instead of my second. No faith in the driver. In other words, the word faith had no religious meaning to me. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. My parents both attended church as children and made that all-too-common decision at the age of 18 to stop.

My first experience with faith was during high school. I was dating a girl and she was Lutheran. Naturally, I decided to start going to church with her and attend the high school youth group. I ended up going through confirmation classes and getting baptized (some water sprinkled over my head). I went to youth gatherings, did some community service and even auditioned, and got, the part of lead trumpet player for the National Youth Gathering stage band for the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America! Life was good right? I was involved in church and surrounded by believers. That’s all there was to this, right? Be involved, pray, go to church? Faith.

During my freshman year of college, the Lutheran girlfriend and I went our separate ways. I ended up changing my views on being a Lutheran after a class about the Holocaust and Martin Luther's views and writings on Jews. I got rid of religion for a while and focused on getting drunk.

During a party I threw on New Year's Eve of 2001-2002, I threw a party at my parent’s house, behind their back while they were out for the evening. Before my party got too crazy, I left and went to see a girl at a Christian party. Immediately I noticed how much fun they were having playing games and NOT drinking. I went back to my house to find pure chaos and no fun at all. I decided to give church and God another shot. I didn’t need all this to enjoy life. I even created a new AIM screen name (remember when that was popular?): KFC1102 (Kyle For Christ 1/1/2002) ha! I got a new girlfriend. We went to a non-denominational Christian church. It resonated with me. Live music, relevant sermons about sex, money, temptations, and tons of people to meet. That didn’t last too long. I ended up feeling judged, looked down upon and guilty for my past every time I was around these people. Once friends, now my jury. I was over church. They’re all hypocrites and judgers! I’ve got my faith, that’s all that matters.

I took a religious class my (first) senior year at USC. Although the teacher was a believer, what I got out of the class was that a lot of the Bible was "filled with what was common at the time so that people could understand and relate to it." So there were “lies” and carefully crafted stories in the Bible! AHA! And thus I came to the conclusion that I was an atheist! I couldn't believe in something that couldn't be proven to be true. Faith shmaith.

This class, my lack of feeling God’s presence, and the fact that all the Christians I had met and encountered in my life were the most hypocritical and judgmental people I had met had pushed me over the edge. I was done with it. I was going to live the only life I could prove was real; a human life in the now. Who cares what happens when I die?

Over the next four years (and it wasn't until my views began to change that I realized this), when people would mention church, faith, God, Jesus, Bible etc. I would question them. I would try to tear them down and laugh at them. It made me sick. I would seek information to oppose what they believe and support my side, yet whenever they would try to speak I wouldn't listen. I see this now with how my dad views religion as a whole and how our conversations have been, and I'm so saddened that I was ever like that. And I apologize if I was ever like that towards anyone reading this.

However, even with my strong convictions of being an atheist, I was always fascinated with religion. I was always drawn to the cross. Not in the sense that I wanted knowledge or I was possessed, simply that when I saw a cross or crucifix I would just stare at it, and my mind would become blank.

In the first few months of 2010, something motivated me to start to revisit Christ. I flooded my netflix with movies on both sides of the issue; The Atheism Tapes, The Case for Christ, The Case for a Creator, For the Bible Tells Me So, Bloodline, and Collision. Although there were some good points FOR Christ in some of these, my mind was only accepting the points against. I was biased and I only saw what I wanted to see.

Little did I know, all of this was just a big "chess board," if you will, being set up without my knowing and God was getting ready to make the first move.

The Pawn Is Moved

I have no problem talking to people, as my friends can vouch for. However, due to my history of long-term dating, I haven't really learned how to approach the ladies that I'm attracted to. I'm more of an ogling sort of fellow. How was I ever going to meet a girl I was interested in if I never approached one? And before y'all say anything, stop lying to yourselves. We all know that physical attraction is what originally catches our eye, but it's not what keeps people together.

Being a regular at the local "honky-tonk”, I had plenty of new "cowgirls" to choose from. Yes, I know it's considered a "bar" but it's a dance hall to me. So it's nice to know that the people there enjoy the same music and activities as me!

Side note: And it hasn't been a bar to me, considering I just completed FORTY days without one alcoholic beverage! There or anywhere else. WOOT!

One night while I was standing by the fan, taking inventory of the pretty ladies, drenched in sweat, which is an obvious lady-catcher, I spotted my target. I was going to muster up some courage to finally approach someone. I had an interesting dialogue with myself that went something like this:

"Wow. That girl is SUPER cute. You should go ask her to dance."
"Nah, she's with her girlfriends. She's probably just here to line dance."
"You’re such a pansy! So what if she declines your offer to dance, at least she'll know that you're interested."
"OK. But what do I say? How do I just go up to them? Hello laaaaaaaadies... Which one of you wants to dance? Ha! Yeah right."
"NO moron! Just go up to them, and whatever comes out of your mouth, comes out of your mouth. You talk to people all the time unplanned, just go do what you do!"

And the first pawn was moved.

The Game Begins

I approached the table of three ladies, interrupted their (lack of) conversation and ten minutes later I had danced with all three of them. "Wow, that was easy. What the hell have you been waiting for?" During my conversation with them, I noticed they each had a bracelet on. I asked them if they had come from a better club or something, to which they replied with, "No. It's to remind ourselves to pray for friends on a mission trip." DANGER DANGER!

I proceeded to hang out with them, only to find out that all three were Christian, attended the same church, and the one I was interested in went to Biola! RED ALERT! BAIL OUT!

I vaguely remember them asking me if I wanted to go to church with them or if I attend church, to which I replied, "A church would spontaneously catch on fire if I walked in." I think that answered their question.

Of course! I FINALLY gain the nerve to approach someone, and she’s a crazy Christian! BLECH! Well at least now I know I can approach people without getting rejected, so it’s not a complete loss.

However, I liked these three. They were funny and having a good time despite prayer bracelets and no alcohol in sight. I saw them again the next few Fridays. About three weeks after meeting them, I was planning on asking for a phone number, but instead I was gifted an opportunity. The one I was interested in had the Droid telephone and I asked what it was like typing on that touch screen (since I have the supreme iPhone). She opened up a new text message and let me give it a shot. So I came up with the brilliant idea to text message MY phone from HER phone, thus giving me her number whether she wanted to or not. GENIUS!

Side note: She would have given it to me if I asked. My way makes for a better story though.

As it turns out, these three ladies attend the same church that my aunt attends. An aunt who has been telling me for years, "Well Kyle...” as she pauses and shakes her head, “You know what I'm going to say... The place to find a good girl... is in CHURCH" as she drops her fist downward like a gavel, and looks at me with an "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times" expression on her face.

I'm not going to go into the detail of what transpired with this girl, as it is irrelevant to the point, but here are the basics: She and I went on a few dates, hit it off ridiculously well, but had a giant white elephant in the room; our conflicting faiths. We finally shared our personal views on Christianity and reluctantly came to the conclusion that we couldn't continue dating, sharing our feelings for one another, and compromising our beliefs.

Why? Because I was an atheist and she was a Christian. This may not make sense to all, but wouldn't you want someone you're with to share the same interests? Especially when it comes to what you believe about life and how you got here? I can deal with say, a gum obsession, but something that is bigger than that, like being sedentary, is a deal breaker for me. So is having completely opposing views on faith. And for her, it goes against what the Bible says about believers knowingly being with non-believers. So as quickly as our relationship began, it ended; at least in the romantic sense.

I met up with the three girls in a different setting and we discussed why a separation between the two of us needed to happen, and had a brief discussion on faith, as I told them that I was open to hearing their views. What I didn't tell them was that every time they mentioned God, Jesus, Bible, Glorify, etc. my stomach turned and I felt like vomiting. These words drove me nuts and I thought they were all absolutely crazy. As we wrapped up our conversation, they told me I should pray that God reveal himself to me. Nuts I tell you!

However, there was something about the connection I had with this girl, combined with the coincidental timing of my sudden desire to know more about religion and Jesus, and the fact that she went to the same church as my aunt who had been urging me to go, that told me that I couldn't end all communication with this girl. Plus she was still SUPER cute.

A pawn from the other side made his move. I found myself in a struggle. I know how the pieces are supposed to move, but I don't know the science behind it and have no real experience playing! Sure I've played a few games and know my way around the board, but how can I WIN? I needed to become educated.

How Do You Play This Stupid Game?

I couldn't resist my desire to tell this girl how I felt. I acted out by getting completely drunk and being rude to her and flirting with people right in front of her. I thought this whole thing was stupid. I spent multiple nights texting her completely idiotic, repetitive nonsense, berating her beliefs, telling her that I was a great person and that I’d be better to her than any Christian she would meet. I would read what I had sent her the next morning, sober, and shake my head at myself. Why in the world would she come to a drunken fool? Wrong move! Shockingly to me, the only thing I got back from her was patience and self-control. "Yo, God. What the hell? I'm a good guy. I know right from wrong. I help people. Why aren’t you making this work for me?"

I decided that this girl was worth at least revisiting an old acquaintance: God. I will give it a shot, but on my own terms. Not like anything is going to happen anyway, because I have had my time with Him before and look what came of it. I took the girls' advice and prayed that, "God reveal himself to me." I continued watching movies both for and against. But I prayed...to a God I didn't think existed.

I made a good move! I suddenly saw a shift in my thinking. What DO you believe, Kyle? These movies are really good at disarming Christians and refuting the Bible, but they show nothing and what you claim TO believe: evolution. Netflix.com here I come! Search: Darwin. Move to top.

In the few days it took to receive the movies, I decided to write a poem. (Removed) How therapeutic! It removed me from the fantasy of what I wanted, and put me in the reality of the present. I shared the poem with my boss, who is a Christian. He came down and talked to me briefly and said something that resonated, "Evolution and Creationism BOTH take faith." Huh. So true.

My Darwin movies came and I watched two of them and just couldn't grasp it. So I kept praying, "God please reveal yourself to me."

My pawn was suddenly surrounded and I was trapped.

Starting To Catch On

I realized that Christians surrounded me. The people I hung out with every single week at Cowboy Country were all strong Christians. The three girls I was around now, Christians. My boss, Christian. I was surrounded by believers and had never really noticed. I knew they were, but didn't realize that these were pretty much the only people I was around. And they weren't all that bad.

I kept praying, "God please reveal yourself to me." I began talking to people openly about my "search" and told some that I would pray for them. Again, still praying to a God I didn't think existed. How loony is that? A wise man once told me, "You need to be admitted to a hospital if you're talking to some person or being that doesn't exist." And apparently, these people were praying for me, too.

Then started some "interesting" things.

Without getting into too much detail, again as it's irrelevant as well as unnecessary to post here, I'll explain the basics. If you're interested in hearing more details, you can contact me. On second thought, no, I'll give the details. There’s no point in hiding the truth just to make myself “look good.”

Interesting thing #1.
I was looking for a small end table in the 17,000 square foot showroom where I work. I had taken one pass already when I realized that I said I'd pray for someone, and I hadn't. So I stopped right where I was and prayed for them, ending the prayer with, "Oh! And if you could help me find this table I've been looking for, that would be FAN-TAStic! Amen." As I opened my eyes, my head turned over my left shoulder, in such a way that one would do if they suddenly heard someone following them. My eyes fixated on a leg to a table that was hidden behind a large buffet. I peered around the buffet to find that it was the table I was looking for. I remember saying out loud, "HA! You've GOT to be kidding!" (Some of you may have heard an altered version of this story, and I apologize. For some reason I felt like altering it, thinking I could make it more believable to you. This, however, is the correct version.)

Interesting thing #2.
My store has thousands of Danish books. They're great for decorations and fillers. Virtually none of them are in English, and they're all hardback books. One day I was walking through the store and preparing to send a sexually oriented text message to someone. I can text and walk at the same time, but for some reason I stopped. I looked up from my phone, and stared at a stack of three books while I thought of something to write. After standing there for about five seconds, I put my phone away and decided not to send the message. Still staring at the books, I finally focused in on them to notice that the center book was a soft, leather-bound, English Bible. We do carry Bibles, but not the everyday, take-to-church-with-you Bibles. HUGE six inch thick Bibles. Bibles you NOTICE whether you're focused or not. This was interesting for two reasons. One, where did this English Bible come from and why did I stop and stare at it, and two, that I put my phone away and didn't send the message.

Interesting thing #3.
Background: The "girl" that I keep mentioning is Hungarian and I already mentioned she went to Biola.
I was at a college graduation party for a family friend. In walked a girl fresh out of high school. I was drawn to her from the second she walked in. Not in a sexual/attraction sort of way, just something that kept bringing my eyes back to her. So finally I decided to go sit near her and satisfy my curiosity. As soon as I sat down, she began talking about her faith, and how she was going to be starting at Biola after her missionary trip to Hungary. HA! Of course.

Immediately after this last interesting thing, I talked with a good friend that was there and had an "epiphany" if you will. God was revealing himself to me. I realized then that God gave me the ability to approach that table at Cowboy Country, so He could put someone in my life to show me where the light switch was. He had me develop feelings for her so I could see the good in her and so I would willingly be open to Him. (Because as much as we hate to admit it fellas, women make us do crazy things.) Then He took her away from me emotionally, so I could notice these things instead of having my attention consumed by her.

I was starting to catch on. Now it was time for me to make some good moves myself!

This Game Isn’t So Hard

I was starting to see that all the pieces on the board were there to help me. All my fellow pawns were behind me. So I began using them...

I set up some meetings with friends who I knew were strong in their faith, so I could ask them questions and hear their testimony. As it turns out, Christians struggle with the same thing I struggle with. Who would have thought? As one of them said, "What, you think you're the FIRST person in the world to struggle with that (particular area of weakness)?" Well obviously not, but I didn't think people who were so strong in their faith had issues like mine. I started to see all of my reasons and preconceived beliefs about Christians were really just excuses for me to stay away from it. If I were a Christian, I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted and I wouldn't be able to live off of MY standards. It was much easier that way. No guilt, except the guilt I put upon myself. No bad feelings, except when I decided when something was bad.

I slowly felt my old thinking and anti-Christian thoughts slipping away. They just didn't make much sense anymore. I continued to pray, not only that God reveal himself to me, but for other things. Only this time I believed He was listening. I started to gain a faith in something other than my 5-iron. That's when interesting things number 4 & 5 came up.

Interesting thing #4 My mom has been unemployed for a few months and my family was, and still is, struggling. She had a very positive interview and she was supposed to hear back from them by Friday. I prayed that she would get the job throughout the week and through the weekend. Well, the following Wednesday rolled around and still no word. On my way to work that Wednesday, I spent fifteen minutes praying specifically for my mom, my family and this job. The timing of it, the necessity of it, how she deserved it and how much it would help my family both in stress relief and happiness. I prayed hard! A few hours later I found out she got the job. It was at this point that a feeling came over me that I can't explain. I was so overcome with joy and happiness. I wanted to yell, “Praise God!!” but I was at work and we had customers. I could refrain from yelling, but I couldn’t refrain from crying tears of joy.

Interesting thing #5. I had also prayed for my boss that week. I prayed that he would show his employees some gratitude for all the work they do, as we've downsized to one-third of the staff in about two years. We've all taken on more work for less pay and instead of giving any praise, we mostly get criticism or questioned like we don't know what we're doing. While I understand his stress levels and his own worries with regards to the company, I know how much a simple, “Thanks” would mean to each of these guys. Guys that have been here for decades! Two days later, a nasty customer came in. She was rude, short, made herself out to be the best customer in the world and walked in right as we were closing. She couldn't get her story straight with what she wanted and was really annoying. She became upset with me because she wasn't getting what she wanted, and as I was trying to explain a store policy to her she proceeded to tell me how terrible I was and how she wasn't coming back. My boss was eavesdropping. He ended up going home, leaving me to deal with this nasty customer in HIS store. I sighed and remained patient even though I wanted to kick her out. She ended up purchasing the piece and I apologized for our "short exchanges and sharp attitudes" and she left on good terms. On my drive home, I got a voicemail from my boss. I expected it to be a lengthy voicemail containing questions like, “Did she buy anything? Did you get proper signature? How did she pay?” As if it was my first day on the job. However, what I got made me smile and showed me God was really working on me. The voicemail said, "Hey Kyle, just wanted to call and congratulate you on dealing with that witch of a lady. You handled it really well. You are to be congratulated and I appreciate the job (you do)." I've been here for seven years and the only other time I recall my boss saying something in that regard was when my parents came in for the first time and he told THEM he liked my work and appreciated me as an employee. That was about four years ago.

Evidence for a faith in God was really stacked in His favor at this point. But I still wasn't quite convinced and ready to make the leap. I couldn't simply "believe" in something. There were still too many mental obstacles in my way. “The heart cannot delight in what the mind rejects.”

I needed to clear out a path, so I could get the pawn to the King. I didn't need to clear out the entire board, just a path.

CHECK!

The pawn is, in most circumstances, the weakest piece in the game of chess. I am weak, but He is strong and loving. He wouldn't let me lose. It is, after all, His game. He cleared the path for me.

He took that SUPER cute girl and physically removed her from my path. She is in Europe for ten weeks. So now I'm not going to church just to see her. I've got a clear path to attend for the right reasons. I've got an open schedule to work on myself. He knows that I'm not in a place where I could commit my full heart to anything and He wants me to get my act together first. He wants me to figure out what I believe and he's giving me the time and space to do it.

With all the pieces falling into place, I now needed something concrete. Something other than a faith in a God. Then came Sunday morning. Church. A special service with a guest speaker. Someone who set out to bash Christianity and prove all this "stuff" they believe WRONG! Someone who thought it was a joke and would laugh at Christians. Someone like me! Someone who, during that process, became... a ... Christian??? Say what?

WHAT TIMING!

Right when I needed something to push me over the edge comes:
-This very well known atheist turned Christian Apologist.
-With a similar story to mine.
-Speaking at the church that started it all for him decades ago.
-At the church that my aunt has been trying to get me to go to for years
-At the church that "SUPER cute girl" goes to.

You've got to be kidding me. Boy, when He works, He works doesn’t He?

And that's not all. This same man wrote a book. Well, he's written many books, but one in particular that I am referring to. After church, a good friend of mine let me borrow this book. I began reading it that Sunday and finished it three days later. A short, yet direct book. A book that I think every church should hand out at the beginning of Sunday mass. The book: More Than A Carpenter by Josh McDowell.

I read this book. I related to this book. The book gave me the proof I was looking for. It gave me the WHY. WHY do you believe in God? WHY do you believe the Bible? WHY do you believe those that wrote the Bible? WHY do you believe in the resurrection? WHY?

The "interesting things," the "coincidences" of this church and meeting these three girls, the Christian friends that were surrounding me, and this book, established more than just a faith, it gave me a factually and emotionally based relationship with Christ. This left me with just one more move to make.

On June 16, 2010, I made the decision to commit my life to Jesus Christ and accept Him as my Lord and Savior.

I was finally standing across from the King. Check!

It turns out that God moved me from that back fan at Cowboy Country to the table with the SUPER cute girl for a reason. It wasn't to meet a girl. It was to meet Him. I have a joy and happiness in my heart that I've never experienced before and I never would have thought possible. I thought I was going to have my old views for the rest of my life. Now I'm a Christian. I have started a relationship with Jesus Christ, and I have a faith like I had never had before. It’s real this time and it’s personal.

Now I find myself standing next to my fellow pawns. The game has been reset. Game on!