(please read till the end)
Friday, June 12, 2009 I posted on that old blog of mine my first post. It was about money and debt.
April 2013 i finally gained the courage and responsibility to cancel all (5) of my credit cards and started a debt management plan through Consumer Credit Counseling Services of San Francisco (non-profit, government backed, small fee to handle it all).
I had $16,552 in CC debt plus about $3,000 in IRS debt. It was a 5 year program. I was proud for taking the step, but still felt like 5 years was a lifetime.
January 2014 I went through a Tony Robbins CD program that flipped my world around (I can let you use it if you want) and changed a lot of things in my life by taking massive action. Mostly, I focused on paying that debt down to the best of my ability to free myself of that pain. Anyone who has experienced financial difficulty and stress may say that worrying about money may be the worst fear and anxiety one could encounter. Not to mention the effects it has on one's ego. Saying you don't have money, you can't go out, you are "busy" that weekend all because you have $19 in your account and are ashamed.
I had said a lot of really negative things about myself internally at that time. I shared some of that with some of you, but nobody really knew the pain I was struggling with. I also said it wasn't fair and actually believed it. The truth was that I was just uneducated and had bad practices and went through life unconsciously when it came to money. I was reactive instead of proactive.
With the new practices I created, such as facing the truth and checking my account every single day and know exactly how much I had, where I spent it, and getting honest with myself about why I spent it, if it was worth it, and forgiving myself for poor decisions vs. dwelling and punishing myself, I have great and empowering news today.
After only 2 years and 5 months in the 5 year program, nearly $20,000 in debt is officially gone today!!!
I could have done it about 2 months ago, but this last card still had 0% interest so it wasn't costing me anything (something I would have never understood about 3 years ago...interest). I'm proud of myself. I still struggle with negative thoughts on frivolous spending, but am much better at quickly forgiving myself and using it to learn.
Now, the purpose. The purpose of this post is not to brag about what I have accomplished. Not to gain praise. Nothing like that. My purpose for sharing is that someone may find hope and understanding in this situation and the process of setting goals.
Too often I hear people upset about how long it's taking to accomplish a goal. Too often people accomplish the goal and are left unsatisfied. Too often people are so blinded by the outcome and the problems to understand what is truly important. Here's what I believe.
The purpose of a goal is not the achievement of the goal, it's what you become in the process. Mental health is the goal. Being kind to yourself and learning from the process. This is where the true happiness and achievement come. The feel-good of achieving the goal is momentary. That's why we achieve and move right on to the next goal a day, a week, a month later. HOWEVER, the feel-good of becoming a smarter, stronger, mentally healthier person lasts forever. It is what gives you the wisdom that comes with age. Life university. Where you can talk about it to others and inspire and educate.
So I urge everyone reading this to shift your focus from the goal, to what you're learning in the process of its attainment. Which roads worked, which didn't. How you treated yourself for taking the wrong road. How quickly you forgave yourself. IF you forgave yourself. Forgive yourself. Nothing comes from punishing yourself; it's like setting up your own road blocks then getting upset they're there.
Or if you've recently accomplished something, recap what you learned in the process. It's much more fulfilling. It'll make you much more patient for the outcome of the next goal because there's SO much to learn along the way. Focus on this. I promise you'll become a much healthier person.
And if you want my help or guidance with how to handle mental health, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. It's my passion and I know how painful it is to be in a mental place where you're not kind to yourself.
Live and Love Consciously
Kyle
Friday, September 18, 2015
Monday, January 6, 2014
4 Years, 7 Months
**dusts cobwebs**::tap tap::: is this thing on?
Hello ghosts of yesteryear. remember me? 4 years and 7 months ago I created my first post on this thing. It was directed at my financial woes, insecurities and downright stupidity. 4 years and 7 months ago I PROCLAIMED LOUDLY, that things were going to change. 4 years and 7 months ago I had an "epiphany!" I even called the post that. 4 years and 7 months later, not much has changed.
I'm here to face my demons a little bit. To broadcast that I've been mostly all talk. To put out in the open, for whatever reason, how I feel and what I've gone through.
Cold hard facts. I ran up a lot of credit card and tax debt. I spent 4 years coming up with master plans to attack it, save, and remove my cloak of shame. I spent days actually doing it. Until 2013.
In about March/April 2013 the anxiety and fear of living the rest of my life not being able to afford vacations, an engagement ring, owning a house, having savings, raising a kid and all the other things money kind of dictates, I FINALLY took the appropriate action. I contacted the non-profit, Consumer Credit Counseling Services of San Francisco and after eliminating every "excuse" I had for how I couldn't survive without my credit cards, I pulled the trigger.
At $16,552 in credit cards, I called and canceled every single one. All FIVE of them. In a matter of minutes, I converted to an all cash budget. Whatever I earned, that's all there was. With the exception of about one or two times, due to poor financial decisions, I have lived now EIGHT months with only the cash I earn. Something I thought was impossible, was actually REALLY easy to do. On top of lowering the amount I paid each month combined, about $550 to $332, this service got two of my interest rates down to 2%, two to 9.99% and one to 7.99%. I will, if I simply follow the minimum payments, have everything paid off in 5 years from the date of inception. But beyond the money, the weight of the anxiety and fear has been lifted I no longer have that depression surrounding money! It still has a long way to go for me to be HAPPY, but I finally got rid of the monster!
At first, five years sounded like, "well, I guess I've got five years to get everything else in order to start my life at 35." But, as I just made a $500 payment - which saved me about two years on one card and about $220 in interest- I know that I'm capable of saving, budgeting, and accomplishing my goal faster than that.
2014 is about changing my focus. I was given Tony Robbins Ultimate Edge for Christmas and have found it very empowering so far. "Wherever focus goes, energy flows." I was always focused on not having money and how do I manage my credit card debt and, shockingly, all my energy went into not having money. Now I'm focused on saving, budgeting, self-control, living within my means, and guess what, my energy goes towards saving, budgeting, self-control, and living within my means. Say whaaa?
What's the point of all this? Why am I telling you? Because just like Mr. Tony Robbins, if my sharing what I've learned and discovered can help just one person, it's all worth it. So if you have ANY questions or fears or are in the same boat I was, please understand first and foremost, I UNDERSTAND THE SHAME that goes with it, and will NOT judge you. How could I? Second, please reach out, or click the link. The anxiety of money problems is one large sunufubitch, but you can overcome it!
On a side note, if any of my friends actually read this, and you think I'm lame that I, "never come out," please understand that I WANT TO, but I'm really focused on saving and accomplishing as much as I possibly can this year. That doesn't mean I wont have ANY fun, but I'll be more prone to hang out if it's not OUT at a bar or restaurant. And I'll do a better job at planning shindigs at my place! Deal?
More posts to come. This was just kind of a random smattering of thoughts, probably poorly written. oh well!
Hello ghosts of yesteryear. remember me? 4 years and 7 months ago I created my first post on this thing. It was directed at my financial woes, insecurities and downright stupidity. 4 years and 7 months ago I PROCLAIMED LOUDLY, that things were going to change. 4 years and 7 months ago I had an "epiphany!" I even called the post that. 4 years and 7 months later, not much has changed.
I'm here to face my demons a little bit. To broadcast that I've been mostly all talk. To put out in the open, for whatever reason, how I feel and what I've gone through.
Cold hard facts. I ran up a lot of credit card and tax debt. I spent 4 years coming up with master plans to attack it, save, and remove my cloak of shame. I spent days actually doing it. Until 2013.
In about March/April 2013 the anxiety and fear of living the rest of my life not being able to afford vacations, an engagement ring, owning a house, having savings, raising a kid and all the other things money kind of dictates, I FINALLY took the appropriate action. I contacted the non-profit, Consumer Credit Counseling Services of San Francisco and after eliminating every "excuse" I had for how I couldn't survive without my credit cards, I pulled the trigger.
At $16,552 in credit cards, I called and canceled every single one. All FIVE of them. In a matter of minutes, I converted to an all cash budget. Whatever I earned, that's all there was. With the exception of about one or two times, due to poor financial decisions, I have lived now EIGHT months with only the cash I earn. Something I thought was impossible, was actually REALLY easy to do. On top of lowering the amount I paid each month combined, about $550 to $332, this service got two of my interest rates down to 2%, two to 9.99% and one to 7.99%. I will, if I simply follow the minimum payments, have everything paid off in 5 years from the date of inception. But beyond the money, the weight of the anxiety and fear has been lifted I no longer have that depression surrounding money! It still has a long way to go for me to be HAPPY, but I finally got rid of the monster!
At first, five years sounded like, "well, I guess I've got five years to get everything else in order to start my life at 35." But, as I just made a $500 payment - which saved me about two years on one card and about $220 in interest- I know that I'm capable of saving, budgeting, and accomplishing my goal faster than that.
2014 is about changing my focus. I was given Tony Robbins Ultimate Edge for Christmas and have found it very empowering so far. "Wherever focus goes, energy flows." I was always focused on not having money and how do I manage my credit card debt and, shockingly, all my energy went into not having money. Now I'm focused on saving, budgeting, self-control, living within my means, and guess what, my energy goes towards saving, budgeting, self-control, and living within my means. Say whaaa?
What's the point of all this? Why am I telling you? Because just like Mr. Tony Robbins, if my sharing what I've learned and discovered can help just one person, it's all worth it. So if you have ANY questions or fears or are in the same boat I was, please understand first and foremost, I UNDERSTAND THE SHAME that goes with it, and will NOT judge you. How could I? Second, please reach out, or click the link. The anxiety of money problems is one large sunufubitch, but you can overcome it!
On a side note, if any of my friends actually read this, and you think I'm lame that I, "never come out," please understand that I WANT TO, but I'm really focused on saving and accomplishing as much as I possibly can this year. That doesn't mean I wont have ANY fun, but I'll be more prone to hang out if it's not OUT at a bar or restaurant. And I'll do a better job at planning shindigs at my place! Deal?
More posts to come. This was just kind of a random smattering of thoughts, probably poorly written. oh well!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Weather
The Weather. There are so many bigger issues to deal with, but somehow, it rules our lives.
It awakens us.
Waking up to a sunny day brings good thoughts and great memories. It feeds cravings. Once a sunny day is experienced, there’s nothing that’s craved more. We wake up each day, hoping the sun is there. It’s impossible to be down on a sunny day.
A gloomy day starts us on the wrong foot. The feeling of disappointment is immediate, yet tolerable. The day must go on, so we go through the motions with a mild disgust. We hope the gloom will turn into something better, like a sunny day, but sometimes our mood only sees the looming thunderstorm.
The thunderstorm both frightens us and gives a sense of loneliness. It makes us crave that sunny day. It makes us think that a gloomy day isn’t all that bad. We can’t sleep during a thunderstorm. However, if you’ve experienced a sunny day, it can help get you through the thunderstorm.
It dictates our lives.
It dictates what we wear; when it’s sunny, we bare all. When it’s gloomy, we start to cover up. When it’s a thunderstorm, we’re hidden beneath layers of protection.
It dictates what we do. When it’s sunny we do things we’ve never done, and even if it turns out terrible, it doesn’t matter because you’ve still got the sun. When it’s gloomy there is still plenty to do, but we just don’t feel like it. When it’s a thunderstorm, we bask in nothingness.
It dictates the mood. When it’s sunny, there’s nothing but happiness and delight. Our minds are swirling with all the things that make us happy. The warmth of the sun on our skin, the deep breaths and smells that calm us, the beauty of everything we see. When it’s gloomy, there’s bitterness and discomfort. We can think of positive things, but it’s like we’re trapped in limbo and can’t make the commitment, because we don’t know if it’s going to turn into a sunny day, a thunderstorm, or just stay gloomy. When it’s a thunderstorm, there’s loneliness and depression. We think of things we would never think about on a sunny day. What if I get stuck in this thunderstorm forever, and never feel the sun. What if something tragic happened, who would show up and how would they feel. Sometimes the thunderstorm leaves permanent, unseen damage.
The unfortunate part about the weather is, it keeps coming and you never know what it’s going to be or how long you’ll have to wait to have a permanent sunny day. Until then, we take the gloom and the thunderstorms and learn how to find the hidden rays of sun in each.
I’ve had about a year of the most beautiful, life changing sunny days I’ll ever experience, and I will hold on to that until it comes again, as vicious as this thunderstorm is.
It awakens us.
Waking up to a sunny day brings good thoughts and great memories. It feeds cravings. Once a sunny day is experienced, there’s nothing that’s craved more. We wake up each day, hoping the sun is there. It’s impossible to be down on a sunny day.
A gloomy day starts us on the wrong foot. The feeling of disappointment is immediate, yet tolerable. The day must go on, so we go through the motions with a mild disgust. We hope the gloom will turn into something better, like a sunny day, but sometimes our mood only sees the looming thunderstorm.
The thunderstorm both frightens us and gives a sense of loneliness. It makes us crave that sunny day. It makes us think that a gloomy day isn’t all that bad. We can’t sleep during a thunderstorm. However, if you’ve experienced a sunny day, it can help get you through the thunderstorm.
It dictates our lives.
It dictates what we wear; when it’s sunny, we bare all. When it’s gloomy, we start to cover up. When it’s a thunderstorm, we’re hidden beneath layers of protection.
It dictates what we do. When it’s sunny we do things we’ve never done, and even if it turns out terrible, it doesn’t matter because you’ve still got the sun. When it’s gloomy there is still plenty to do, but we just don’t feel like it. When it’s a thunderstorm, we bask in nothingness.
It dictates the mood. When it’s sunny, there’s nothing but happiness and delight. Our minds are swirling with all the things that make us happy. The warmth of the sun on our skin, the deep breaths and smells that calm us, the beauty of everything we see. When it’s gloomy, there’s bitterness and discomfort. We can think of positive things, but it’s like we’re trapped in limbo and can’t make the commitment, because we don’t know if it’s going to turn into a sunny day, a thunderstorm, or just stay gloomy. When it’s a thunderstorm, there’s loneliness and depression. We think of things we would never think about on a sunny day. What if I get stuck in this thunderstorm forever, and never feel the sun. What if something tragic happened, who would show up and how would they feel. Sometimes the thunderstorm leaves permanent, unseen damage.
The unfortunate part about the weather is, it keeps coming and you never know what it’s going to be or how long you’ll have to wait to have a permanent sunny day. Until then, we take the gloom and the thunderstorms and learn how to find the hidden rays of sun in each.
I’ve had about a year of the most beautiful, life changing sunny days I’ll ever experience, and I will hold on to that until it comes again, as vicious as this thunderstorm is.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
My Testimony
My Religious History
Faith. Most people think of something religious when this word is mentioned. The only faith I knew of was the faith I have in my 5-iron. If I tried to hit my driver, my next shot would be my third instead of my second. No faith in the driver. In other words, the word faith had no religious meaning to me. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. My parents both attended church as children and made that all-too-common decision at the age of 18 to stop.
My first experience with faith was during high school. I was dating a girl and she was Lutheran. Naturally, I decided to start going to church with her and attend the high school youth group. I ended up going through confirmation classes and getting baptized (some water sprinkled over my head). I went to youth gatherings, did some community service and even auditioned, and got, the part of lead trumpet player for the National Youth Gathering stage band for the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America! Life was good right? I was involved in church and surrounded by believers. That’s all there was to this, right? Be involved, pray, go to church? Faith.
During my freshman year of college, the Lutheran girlfriend and I went our separate ways. I ended up changing my views on being a Lutheran after a class about the Holocaust and Martin Luther's views and writings on Jews. I got rid of religion for a while and focused on getting drunk.
During a party I threw on New Year's Eve of 2001-2002, I threw a party at my parent’s house, behind their back while they were out for the evening. Before my party got too crazy, I left and went to see a girl at a Christian party. Immediately I noticed how much fun they were having playing games and NOT drinking. I went back to my house to find pure chaos and no fun at all. I decided to give church and God another shot. I didn’t need all this to enjoy life. I even created a new AIM screen name (remember when that was popular?): KFC1102 (Kyle For Christ 1/1/2002) ha! I got a new girlfriend. We went to a non-denominational Christian church. It resonated with me. Live music, relevant sermons about sex, money, temptations, and tons of people to meet. That didn’t last too long. I ended up feeling judged, looked down upon and guilty for my past every time I was around these people. Once friends, now my jury. I was over church. They’re all hypocrites and judgers! I’ve got my faith, that’s all that matters.
I took a religious class my (first) senior year at USC. Although the teacher was a believer, what I got out of the class was that a lot of the Bible was "filled with what was common at the time so that people could understand and relate to it." So there were “lies” and carefully crafted stories in the Bible! AHA! And thus I came to the conclusion that I was an atheist! I couldn't believe in something that couldn't be proven to be true. Faith shmaith.
This class, my lack of feeling God’s presence, and the fact that all the Christians I had met and encountered in my life were the most hypocritical and judgmental people I had met had pushed me over the edge. I was done with it. I was going to live the only life I could prove was real; a human life in the now. Who cares what happens when I die?
Over the next four years (and it wasn't until my views began to change that I realized this), when people would mention church, faith, God, Jesus, Bible etc. I would question them. I would try to tear them down and laugh at them. It made me sick. I would seek information to oppose what they believe and support my side, yet whenever they would try to speak I wouldn't listen. I see this now with how my dad views religion as a whole and how our conversations have been, and I'm so saddened that I was ever like that. And I apologize if I was ever like that towards anyone reading this.
However, even with my strong convictions of being an atheist, I was always fascinated with religion. I was always drawn to the cross. Not in the sense that I wanted knowledge or I was possessed, simply that when I saw a cross or crucifix I would just stare at it, and my mind would become blank.
In the first few months of 2010, something motivated me to start to revisit Christ. I flooded my netflix with movies on both sides of the issue; The Atheism Tapes, The Case for Christ, The Case for a Creator, For the Bible Tells Me So, Bloodline, and Collision. Although there were some good points FOR Christ in some of these, my mind was only accepting the points against. I was biased and I only saw what I wanted to see.
Little did I know, all of this was just a big "chess board," if you will, being set up without my knowing and God was getting ready to make the first move.
The Pawn Is Moved
I have no problem talking to people, as my friends can vouch for. However, due to my history of long-term dating, I haven't really learned how to approach the ladies that I'm attracted to. I'm more of an ogling sort of fellow. How was I ever going to meet a girl I was interested in if I never approached one? And before y'all say anything, stop lying to yourselves. We all know that physical attraction is what originally catches our eye, but it's not what keeps people together.
Being a regular at the local "honky-tonk”, I had plenty of new "cowgirls" to choose from. Yes, I know it's considered a "bar" but it's a dance hall to me. So it's nice to know that the people there enjoy the same music and activities as me!
Side note: And it hasn't been a bar to me, considering I just completed FORTY days without one alcoholic beverage! There or anywhere else. WOOT!
One night while I was standing by the fan, taking inventory of the pretty ladies, drenched in sweat, which is an obvious lady-catcher, I spotted my target. I was going to muster up some courage to finally approach someone. I had an interesting dialogue with myself that went something like this:
"Wow. That girl is SUPER cute. You should go ask her to dance."
"Nah, she's with her girlfriends. She's probably just here to line dance."
"You’re such a pansy! So what if she declines your offer to dance, at least she'll know that you're interested."
"OK. But what do I say? How do I just go up to them? Hello laaaaaaaadies... Which one of you wants to dance? Ha! Yeah right."
"NO moron! Just go up to them, and whatever comes out of your mouth, comes out of your mouth. You talk to people all the time unplanned, just go do what you do!"
And the first pawn was moved.
The Game Begins
I approached the table of three ladies, interrupted their (lack of) conversation and ten minutes later I had danced with all three of them. "Wow, that was easy. What the hell have you been waiting for?" During my conversation with them, I noticed they each had a bracelet on. I asked them if they had come from a better club or something, to which they replied with, "No. It's to remind ourselves to pray for friends on a mission trip." DANGER DANGER!
I proceeded to hang out with them, only to find out that all three were Christian, attended the same church, and the one I was interested in went to Biola! RED ALERT! BAIL OUT!
I vaguely remember them asking me if I wanted to go to church with them or if I attend church, to which I replied, "A church would spontaneously catch on fire if I walked in." I think that answered their question.
Of course! I FINALLY gain the nerve to approach someone, and she’s a crazy Christian! BLECH! Well at least now I know I can approach people without getting rejected, so it’s not a complete loss.
However, I liked these three. They were funny and having a good time despite prayer bracelets and no alcohol in sight. I saw them again the next few Fridays. About three weeks after meeting them, I was planning on asking for a phone number, but instead I was gifted an opportunity. The one I was interested in had the Droid telephone and I asked what it was like typing on that touch screen (since I have the supreme iPhone). She opened up a new text message and let me give it a shot. So I came up with the brilliant idea to text message MY phone from HER phone, thus giving me her number whether she wanted to or not. GENIUS!
Side note: She would have given it to me if I asked. My way makes for a better story though.
As it turns out, these three ladies attend the same church that my aunt attends. An aunt who has been telling me for years, "Well Kyle...” as she pauses and shakes her head, “You know what I'm going to say... The place to find a good girl... is in CHURCH" as she drops her fist downward like a gavel, and looks at me with an "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times" expression on her face.
I'm not going to go into the detail of what transpired with this girl, as it is irrelevant to the point, but here are the basics: She and I went on a few dates, hit it off ridiculously well, but had a giant white elephant in the room; our conflicting faiths. We finally shared our personal views on Christianity and reluctantly came to the conclusion that we couldn't continue dating, sharing our feelings for one another, and compromising our beliefs.
Why? Because I was an atheist and she was a Christian. This may not make sense to all, but wouldn't you want someone you're with to share the same interests? Especially when it comes to what you believe about life and how you got here? I can deal with say, a gum obsession, but something that is bigger than that, like being sedentary, is a deal breaker for me. So is having completely opposing views on faith. And for her, it goes against what the Bible says about believers knowingly being with non-believers. So as quickly as our relationship began, it ended; at least in the romantic sense.
I met up with the three girls in a different setting and we discussed why a separation between the two of us needed to happen, and had a brief discussion on faith, as I told them that I was open to hearing their views. What I didn't tell them was that every time they mentioned God, Jesus, Bible, Glorify, etc. my stomach turned and I felt like vomiting. These words drove me nuts and I thought they were all absolutely crazy. As we wrapped up our conversation, they told me I should pray that God reveal himself to me. Nuts I tell you!
However, there was something about the connection I had with this girl, combined with the coincidental timing of my sudden desire to know more about religion and Jesus, and the fact that she went to the same church as my aunt who had been urging me to go, that told me that I couldn't end all communication with this girl. Plus she was still SUPER cute.
A pawn from the other side made his move. I found myself in a struggle. I know how the pieces are supposed to move, but I don't know the science behind it and have no real experience playing! Sure I've played a few games and know my way around the board, but how can I WIN? I needed to become educated.
How Do You Play This Stupid Game?
I couldn't resist my desire to tell this girl how I felt. I acted out by getting completely drunk and being rude to her and flirting with people right in front of her. I thought this whole thing was stupid. I spent multiple nights texting her completely idiotic, repetitive nonsense, berating her beliefs, telling her that I was a great person and that I’d be better to her than any Christian she would meet. I would read what I had sent her the next morning, sober, and shake my head at myself. Why in the world would she come to a drunken fool? Wrong move! Shockingly to me, the only thing I got back from her was patience and self-control. "Yo, God. What the hell? I'm a good guy. I know right from wrong. I help people. Why aren’t you making this work for me?"
I decided that this girl was worth at least revisiting an old acquaintance: God. I will give it a shot, but on my own terms. Not like anything is going to happen anyway, because I have had my time with Him before and look what came of it. I took the girls' advice and prayed that, "God reveal himself to me." I continued watching movies both for and against. But I prayed...to a God I didn't think existed.
I made a good move! I suddenly saw a shift in my thinking. What DO you believe, Kyle? These movies are really good at disarming Christians and refuting the Bible, but they show nothing and what you claim TO believe: evolution. Netflix.com here I come! Search: Darwin. Move to top.
My Darwin movies came and I watched two of them and just couldn't grasp it. So I kept praying, "God please reveal yourself to me."
My pawn was suddenly surrounded and I was trapped.
Starting To Catch On
I realized that Christians surrounded me. The people I hung out with every single week at Cowboy Country were all strong Christians. The three girls I was around now, Christians. My boss, Christian. I was surrounded by believers and had never really noticed. I knew they were, but didn't realize that these were pretty much the only people I was around. And they weren't all that bad.
I kept praying, "God please reveal yourself to me." I began talking to people openly about my "search" and told some that I would pray for them. Again, still praying to a God I didn't think existed. How loony is that? A wise man once told me, "You need to be admitted to a hospital if you're talking to some person or being that doesn't exist." And apparently, these people were praying for me, too.
Then started some "interesting" things.
Without getting into too much detail, again as it's irrelevant as well as unnecessary to post here, I'll explain the basics. If you're interested in hearing more details, you can contact me. On second thought, no, I'll give the details. There’s no point in hiding the truth just to make myself “look good.”
Interesting thing #1.
I was looking for a small end table in the 17,000 square foot showroom where I work. I had taken one pass already when I realized that I said I'd pray for someone, and I hadn't. So I stopped right where I was and prayed for them, ending the prayer with, "Oh! And if you could help me find this table I've been looking for, that would be FAN-TAStic! Amen." As I opened my eyes, my head turned over my left shoulder, in such a way that one would do if they suddenly heard someone following them. My eyes fixated on a leg to a table that was hidden behind a large buffet. I peered around the buffet to find that it was the table I was looking for. I remember saying out loud, "HA! You've GOT to be kidding!" (Some of you may have heard an altered version of this story, and I apologize. For some reason I felt like altering it, thinking I could make it more believable to you. This, however, is the correct version.)
Interesting thing #2.
My store has thousands of Danish books. They're great for decorations and fillers. Virtually none of them are in English, and they're all hardback books. One day I was walking through the store and preparing to send a sexually oriented text message to someone. I can text and walk at the same time, but for some reason I stopped. I looked up from my phone, and stared at a stack of three books while I thought of something to write. After standing there for about five seconds, I put my phone away and decided not to send the message. Still staring at the books, I finally focused in on them to notice that the center book was a soft, leather-bound, English Bible. We do carry Bibles, but not the everyday, take-to-church-with-you Bibles. HUGE six inch thick Bibles. Bibles you NOTICE whether you're focused or not. This was interesting for two reasons. One, where did this English Bible come from and why did I stop and stare at it, and two, that I put my phone away and didn't send the message.
Interesting thing #3.
Background: The "girl" that I keep mentioning is Hungarian and I already mentioned she went to Biola.
I was at a college graduation party for a family friend. In walked a girl fresh out of high school. I was drawn to her from the second she walked in. Not in a sexual/attraction sort of way, just something that kept bringing my eyes back to her. So finally I decided to go sit near her and satisfy my curiosity. As soon as I sat down, she began talking about her faith, and how she was going to be starting at Biola after her missionary trip to Hungary. HA! Of course.
Immediately after this last interesting thing, I talked with a good friend that was there and had an "epiphany" if you will. God was revealing himself to me. I realized then that God gave me the ability to approach that table at Cowboy Country, so He could put someone in my life to show me where the light switch was. He had me develop feelings for her so I could see the good in her and so I would willingly be open to Him. (Because as much as we hate to admit it fellas, women make us do crazy things.) Then He took her away from me emotionally, so I could notice these things instead of having my attention consumed by her.
I was starting to catch on. Now it was time for me to make some good moves myself!
This Game Isn’t So Hard
I was starting to see that all the pieces on the board were there to help me. All my fellow pawns were behind me. So I began using them...
I set up some meetings with friends who I knew were strong in their faith, so I could ask them questions and hear their testimony. As it turns out, Christians struggle with the same thing I struggle with. Who would have thought? As one of them said, "What, you think you're the FIRST person in the world to struggle with that (particular area of weakness)?" Well obviously not, but I didn't think people who were so strong in their faith had issues like mine. I started to see all of my reasons and preconceived beliefs about Christians were really just excuses for me to stay away from it. If I were a Christian, I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted and I wouldn't be able to live off of MY standards. It was much easier that way. No guilt, except the guilt I put upon myself. No bad feelings, except when I decided when something was bad.
I slowly felt my old thinking and anti-Christian thoughts slipping away. They just didn't make much sense anymore. I continued to pray, not only that God reveal himself to me, but for other things. Only this time I believed He was listening. I started to gain a faith in something other than my 5-iron. That's when interesting things number 4 & 5 came up.
Interesting thing #4 My mom has been unemployed for a few months and my family was, and still is, struggling. She had a very positive interview and she was supposed to hear back from them by Friday. I prayed that she would get the job throughout the week and through the weekend. Well, the following Wednesday rolled around and still no word. On my way to work that Wednesday, I spent fifteen minutes praying specifically for my mom, my family and this job. The timing of it, the necessity of it, how she deserved it and how much it would help my family both in stress relief and happiness. I prayed hard! A few hours later I found out she got the job. It was at this point that a feeling came over me that I can't explain. I was so overcome with joy and happiness. I wanted to yell, “Praise God!!” but I was at work and we had customers. I could refrain from yelling, but I couldn’t refrain from crying tears of joy.
Interesting thing #5. I had also prayed for my boss that week. I prayed that he would show his employees some gratitude for all the work they do, as we've downsized to one-third of the staff in about two years. We've all taken on more work for less pay and instead of giving any praise, we mostly get criticism or questioned like we don't know what we're doing. While I understand his stress levels and his own worries with regards to the company, I know how much a simple, “Thanks” would mean to each of these guys. Guys that have been here for decades! Two days later, a nasty customer came in. She was rude, short, made herself out to be the best customer in the world and walked in right as we were closing. She couldn't get her story straight with what she wanted and was really annoying. She became upset with me because she wasn't getting what she wanted, and as I was trying to explain a store policy to her she proceeded to tell me how terrible I was and how she wasn't coming back. My boss was eavesdropping. He ended up going home, leaving me to deal with this nasty customer in HIS store. I sighed and remained patient even though I wanted to kick her out. She ended up purchasing the piece and I apologized for our "short exchanges and sharp attitudes" and she left on good terms. On my drive home, I got a voicemail from my boss. I expected it to be a lengthy voicemail containing questions like, “Did she buy anything? Did you get proper signature? How did she pay?” As if it was my first day on the job. However, what I got made me smile and showed me God was really working on me. The voicemail said, "Hey Kyle, just wanted to call and congratulate you on dealing with that witch of a lady. You handled it really well. You are to be congratulated and I appreciate the job (you do)." I've been here for seven years and the only other time I recall my boss saying something in that regard was when my parents came in for the first time and he told THEM he liked my work and appreciated me as an employee. That was about four years ago.
Evidence for a faith in God was really stacked in His favor at this point. But I still wasn't quite convinced and ready to make the leap. I couldn't simply "believe" in something. There were still too many mental obstacles in my way. “The heart cannot delight in what the mind rejects.”
I needed to clear out a path, so I could get the pawn to the King. I didn't need to clear out the entire board, just a path.
CHECK!
The pawn is, in most circumstances, the weakest piece in the game of chess. I am weak, but He is strong and loving. He wouldn't let me lose. It is, after all, His game. He cleared the path for me.
He took that SUPER cute girl and physically removed her from my path. She is in Europe for ten weeks. So now I'm not going to church just to see her. I've got a clear path to attend for the right reasons. I've got an open schedule to work on myself. He knows that I'm not in a place where I could commit my full heart to anything and He wants me to get my act together first. He wants me to figure out what I believe and he's giving me the time and space to do it.
With all the pieces falling into place, I now needed something concrete. Something other than a faith in a God. Then came Sunday morning. Church. A special service with a guest speaker. Someone who set out to bash Christianity and prove all this "stuff" they believe WRONG! Someone who thought it was a joke and would laugh at Christians. Someone like me! Someone who, during that process, became... a ... Christian??? Say what?
WHAT TIMING!
Right when I needed something to push me over the edge comes:
-This very well known atheist turned Christian Apologist.
-With a similar story to mine.
-Speaking at the church that started it all for him decades ago.
-At the church that my aunt has been trying to get me to go to for years
-At the church that "SUPER cute girl" goes to.
You've got to be kidding me. Boy, when He works, He works doesn’t He?
And that's not all. This same man wrote a book. Well, he's written many books, but one in particular that I am referring to. After church, a good friend of mine let me borrow this book. I began reading it that Sunday and finished it three days later. A short, yet direct book. A book that I think every church should hand out at the beginning of Sunday mass. The book: More Than A Carpenter by Josh McDowell.
I read this book. I related to this book. The book gave me the proof I was looking for. It gave me the WHY. WHY do you believe in God? WHY do you believe the Bible? WHY do you believe those that wrote the Bible? WHY do you believe in the resurrection? WHY?
The "interesting things," the "coincidences" of this church and meeting these three girls, the Christian friends that were surrounding me, and this book, established more than just a faith, it gave me a factually and emotionally based relationship with Christ. This left me with just one more move to make.
On June 16, 2010, I made the decision to commit my life to Jesus Christ and accept Him as my Lord and Savior.
I was finally standing across from the King. Check!
It turns out that God moved me from that back fan at Cowboy Country to the table with the SUPER cute girl for a reason. It wasn't to meet a girl. It was to meet Him. I have a joy and happiness in my heart that I've never experienced before and I never would have thought possible. I thought I was going to have my old views for the rest of my life. Now I'm a Christian. I have started a relationship with Jesus Christ, and I have a faith like I had never had before. It’s real this time and it’s personal.
Now I find myself standing next to my fellow pawns. The game has been reset. Game on!
Faith. Most people think of something religious when this word is mentioned. The only faith I knew of was the faith I have in my 5-iron. If I tried to hit my driver, my next shot would be my third instead of my second. No faith in the driver. In other words, the word faith had no religious meaning to me. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. My parents both attended church as children and made that all-too-common decision at the age of 18 to stop.
My first experience with faith was during high school. I was dating a girl and she was Lutheran. Naturally, I decided to start going to church with her and attend the high school youth group. I ended up going through confirmation classes and getting baptized (some water sprinkled over my head). I went to youth gatherings, did some community service and even auditioned, and got, the part of lead trumpet player for the National Youth Gathering stage band for the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America! Life was good right? I was involved in church and surrounded by believers. That’s all there was to this, right? Be involved, pray, go to church? Faith.
During my freshman year of college, the Lutheran girlfriend and I went our separate ways. I ended up changing my views on being a Lutheran after a class about the Holocaust and Martin Luther's views and writings on Jews. I got rid of religion for a while and focused on getting drunk.
During a party I threw on New Year's Eve of 2001-2002, I threw a party at my parent’s house, behind their back while they were out for the evening. Before my party got too crazy, I left and went to see a girl at a Christian party. Immediately I noticed how much fun they were having playing games and NOT drinking. I went back to my house to find pure chaos and no fun at all. I decided to give church and God another shot. I didn’t need all this to enjoy life. I even created a new AIM screen name (remember when that was popular?): KFC1102 (Kyle For Christ 1/1/2002) ha! I got a new girlfriend. We went to a non-denominational Christian church. It resonated with me. Live music, relevant sermons about sex, money, temptations, and tons of people to meet. That didn’t last too long. I ended up feeling judged, looked down upon and guilty for my past every time I was around these people. Once friends, now my jury. I was over church. They’re all hypocrites and judgers! I’ve got my faith, that’s all that matters.
I took a religious class my (first) senior year at USC. Although the teacher was a believer, what I got out of the class was that a lot of the Bible was "filled with what was common at the time so that people could understand and relate to it." So there were “lies” and carefully crafted stories in the Bible! AHA! And thus I came to the conclusion that I was an atheist! I couldn't believe in something that couldn't be proven to be true. Faith shmaith.
This class, my lack of feeling God’s presence, and the fact that all the Christians I had met and encountered in my life were the most hypocritical and judgmental people I had met had pushed me over the edge. I was done with it. I was going to live the only life I could prove was real; a human life in the now. Who cares what happens when I die?
Over the next four years (and it wasn't until my views began to change that I realized this), when people would mention church, faith, God, Jesus, Bible etc. I would question them. I would try to tear them down and laugh at them. It made me sick. I would seek information to oppose what they believe and support my side, yet whenever they would try to speak I wouldn't listen. I see this now with how my dad views religion as a whole and how our conversations have been, and I'm so saddened that I was ever like that. And I apologize if I was ever like that towards anyone reading this.
However, even with my strong convictions of being an atheist, I was always fascinated with religion. I was always drawn to the cross. Not in the sense that I wanted knowledge or I was possessed, simply that when I saw a cross or crucifix I would just stare at it, and my mind would become blank.
In the first few months of 2010, something motivated me to start to revisit Christ. I flooded my netflix with movies on both sides of the issue; The Atheism Tapes, The Case for Christ, The Case for a Creator, For the Bible Tells Me So, Bloodline, and Collision. Although there were some good points FOR Christ in some of these, my mind was only accepting the points against. I was biased and I only saw what I wanted to see.
Little did I know, all of this was just a big "chess board," if you will, being set up without my knowing and God was getting ready to make the first move.
The Pawn Is Moved
I have no problem talking to people, as my friends can vouch for. However, due to my history of long-term dating, I haven't really learned how to approach the ladies that I'm attracted to. I'm more of an ogling sort of fellow. How was I ever going to meet a girl I was interested in if I never approached one? And before y'all say anything, stop lying to yourselves. We all know that physical attraction is what originally catches our eye, but it's not what keeps people together.
Being a regular at the local "honky-tonk”, I had plenty of new "cowgirls" to choose from. Yes, I know it's considered a "bar" but it's a dance hall to me. So it's nice to know that the people there enjoy the same music and activities as me!
Side note: And it hasn't been a bar to me, considering I just completed FORTY days without one alcoholic beverage! There or anywhere else. WOOT!
One night while I was standing by the fan, taking inventory of the pretty ladies, drenched in sweat, which is an obvious lady-catcher, I spotted my target. I was going to muster up some courage to finally approach someone. I had an interesting dialogue with myself that went something like this:
"Wow. That girl is SUPER cute. You should go ask her to dance."
"Nah, she's with her girlfriends. She's probably just here to line dance."
"You’re such a pansy! So what if she declines your offer to dance, at least she'll know that you're interested."
"OK. But what do I say? How do I just go up to them? Hello laaaaaaaadies... Which one of you wants to dance? Ha! Yeah right."
"NO moron! Just go up to them, and whatever comes out of your mouth, comes out of your mouth. You talk to people all the time unplanned, just go do what you do!"
And the first pawn was moved.
The Game Begins
I approached the table of three ladies, interrupted their (lack of) conversation and ten minutes later I had danced with all three of them. "Wow, that was easy. What the hell have you been waiting for?" During my conversation with them, I noticed they each had a bracelet on. I asked them if they had come from a better club or something, to which they replied with, "No. It's to remind ourselves to pray for friends on a mission trip." DANGER DANGER!
I proceeded to hang out with them, only to find out that all three were Christian, attended the same church, and the one I was interested in went to Biola! RED ALERT! BAIL OUT!
I vaguely remember them asking me if I wanted to go to church with them or if I attend church, to which I replied, "A church would spontaneously catch on fire if I walked in." I think that answered their question.
Of course! I FINALLY gain the nerve to approach someone, and she’s a crazy Christian! BLECH! Well at least now I know I can approach people without getting rejected, so it’s not a complete loss.
However, I liked these three. They were funny and having a good time despite prayer bracelets and no alcohol in sight. I saw them again the next few Fridays. About three weeks after meeting them, I was planning on asking for a phone number, but instead I was gifted an opportunity. The one I was interested in had the Droid telephone and I asked what it was like typing on that touch screen (since I have the supreme iPhone). She opened up a new text message and let me give it a shot. So I came up with the brilliant idea to text message MY phone from HER phone, thus giving me her number whether she wanted to or not. GENIUS!
Side note: She would have given it to me if I asked. My way makes for a better story though.
As it turns out, these three ladies attend the same church that my aunt attends. An aunt who has been telling me for years, "Well Kyle...” as she pauses and shakes her head, “You know what I'm going to say... The place to find a good girl... is in CHURCH" as she drops her fist downward like a gavel, and looks at me with an "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times" expression on her face.
I'm not going to go into the detail of what transpired with this girl, as it is irrelevant to the point, but here are the basics: She and I went on a few dates, hit it off ridiculously well, but had a giant white elephant in the room; our conflicting faiths. We finally shared our personal views on Christianity and reluctantly came to the conclusion that we couldn't continue dating, sharing our feelings for one another, and compromising our beliefs.
Why? Because I was an atheist and she was a Christian. This may not make sense to all, but wouldn't you want someone you're with to share the same interests? Especially when it comes to what you believe about life and how you got here? I can deal with say, a gum obsession, but something that is bigger than that, like being sedentary, is a deal breaker for me. So is having completely opposing views on faith. And for her, it goes against what the Bible says about believers knowingly being with non-believers. So as quickly as our relationship began, it ended; at least in the romantic sense.
I met up with the three girls in a different setting and we discussed why a separation between the two of us needed to happen, and had a brief discussion on faith, as I told them that I was open to hearing their views. What I didn't tell them was that every time they mentioned God, Jesus, Bible, Glorify, etc. my stomach turned and I felt like vomiting. These words drove me nuts and I thought they were all absolutely crazy. As we wrapped up our conversation, they told me I should pray that God reveal himself to me. Nuts I tell you!
However, there was something about the connection I had with this girl, combined with the coincidental timing of my sudden desire to know more about religion and Jesus, and the fact that she went to the same church as my aunt who had been urging me to go, that told me that I couldn't end all communication with this girl. Plus she was still SUPER cute.
A pawn from the other side made his move. I found myself in a struggle. I know how the pieces are supposed to move, but I don't know the science behind it and have no real experience playing! Sure I've played a few games and know my way around the board, but how can I WIN? I needed to become educated.
How Do You Play This Stupid Game?
I couldn't resist my desire to tell this girl how I felt. I acted out by getting completely drunk and being rude to her and flirting with people right in front of her. I thought this whole thing was stupid. I spent multiple nights texting her completely idiotic, repetitive nonsense, berating her beliefs, telling her that I was a great person and that I’d be better to her than any Christian she would meet. I would read what I had sent her the next morning, sober, and shake my head at myself. Why in the world would she come to a drunken fool? Wrong move! Shockingly to me, the only thing I got back from her was patience and self-control. "Yo, God. What the hell? I'm a good guy. I know right from wrong. I help people. Why aren’t you making this work for me?"
I decided that this girl was worth at least revisiting an old acquaintance: God. I will give it a shot, but on my own terms. Not like anything is going to happen anyway, because I have had my time with Him before and look what came of it. I took the girls' advice and prayed that, "God reveal himself to me." I continued watching movies both for and against. But I prayed...to a God I didn't think existed.
I made a good move! I suddenly saw a shift in my thinking. What DO you believe, Kyle? These movies are really good at disarming Christians and refuting the Bible, but they show nothing and what you claim TO believe: evolution. Netflix.com here I come! Search: Darwin. Move to top.
In the few days it took to receive the movies, I decided to write a poem. (Removed) How therapeutic! It removed me from the fantasy of what I wanted, and put me in the reality of the present. I shared the poem with my boss, who is a Christian. He came down and talked to me briefly and said something that resonated, "Evolution and Creationism BOTH take faith." Huh. So true.
My Darwin movies came and I watched two of them and just couldn't grasp it. So I kept praying, "God please reveal yourself to me."
My pawn was suddenly surrounded and I was trapped.
Starting To Catch On
I realized that Christians surrounded me. The people I hung out with every single week at Cowboy Country were all strong Christians. The three girls I was around now, Christians. My boss, Christian. I was surrounded by believers and had never really noticed. I knew they were, but didn't realize that these were pretty much the only people I was around. And they weren't all that bad.
I kept praying, "God please reveal yourself to me." I began talking to people openly about my "search" and told some that I would pray for them. Again, still praying to a God I didn't think existed. How loony is that? A wise man once told me, "You need to be admitted to a hospital if you're talking to some person or being that doesn't exist." And apparently, these people were praying for me, too.
Then started some "interesting" things.
Without getting into too much detail, again as it's irrelevant as well as unnecessary to post here, I'll explain the basics. If you're interested in hearing more details, you can contact me. On second thought, no, I'll give the details. There’s no point in hiding the truth just to make myself “look good.”
Interesting thing #1.
I was looking for a small end table in the 17,000 square foot showroom where I work. I had taken one pass already when I realized that I said I'd pray for someone, and I hadn't. So I stopped right where I was and prayed for them, ending the prayer with, "Oh! And if you could help me find this table I've been looking for, that would be FAN-TAStic! Amen." As I opened my eyes, my head turned over my left shoulder, in such a way that one would do if they suddenly heard someone following them. My eyes fixated on a leg to a table that was hidden behind a large buffet. I peered around the buffet to find that it was the table I was looking for. I remember saying out loud, "HA! You've GOT to be kidding!" (Some of you may have heard an altered version of this story, and I apologize. For some reason I felt like altering it, thinking I could make it more believable to you. This, however, is the correct version.)
Interesting thing #2.
My store has thousands of Danish books. They're great for decorations and fillers. Virtually none of them are in English, and they're all hardback books. One day I was walking through the store and preparing to send a sexually oriented text message to someone. I can text and walk at the same time, but for some reason I stopped. I looked up from my phone, and stared at a stack of three books while I thought of something to write. After standing there for about five seconds, I put my phone away and decided not to send the message. Still staring at the books, I finally focused in on them to notice that the center book was a soft, leather-bound, English Bible. We do carry Bibles, but not the everyday, take-to-church-with-you Bibles. HUGE six inch thick Bibles. Bibles you NOTICE whether you're focused or not. This was interesting for two reasons. One, where did this English Bible come from and why did I stop and stare at it, and two, that I put my phone away and didn't send the message.
Interesting thing #3.
Background: The "girl" that I keep mentioning is Hungarian and I already mentioned she went to Biola.
I was at a college graduation party for a family friend. In walked a girl fresh out of high school. I was drawn to her from the second she walked in. Not in a sexual/attraction sort of way, just something that kept bringing my eyes back to her. So finally I decided to go sit near her and satisfy my curiosity. As soon as I sat down, she began talking about her faith, and how she was going to be starting at Biola after her missionary trip to Hungary. HA! Of course.
Immediately after this last interesting thing, I talked with a good friend that was there and had an "epiphany" if you will. God was revealing himself to me. I realized then that God gave me the ability to approach that table at Cowboy Country, so He could put someone in my life to show me where the light switch was. He had me develop feelings for her so I could see the good in her and so I would willingly be open to Him. (Because as much as we hate to admit it fellas, women make us do crazy things.) Then He took her away from me emotionally, so I could notice these things instead of having my attention consumed by her.
I was starting to catch on. Now it was time for me to make some good moves myself!
This Game Isn’t So Hard
I was starting to see that all the pieces on the board were there to help me. All my fellow pawns were behind me. So I began using them...
I set up some meetings with friends who I knew were strong in their faith, so I could ask them questions and hear their testimony. As it turns out, Christians struggle with the same thing I struggle with. Who would have thought? As one of them said, "What, you think you're the FIRST person in the world to struggle with that (particular area of weakness)?" Well obviously not, but I didn't think people who were so strong in their faith had issues like mine. I started to see all of my reasons and preconceived beliefs about Christians were really just excuses for me to stay away from it. If I were a Christian, I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted and I wouldn't be able to live off of MY standards. It was much easier that way. No guilt, except the guilt I put upon myself. No bad feelings, except when I decided when something was bad.
I slowly felt my old thinking and anti-Christian thoughts slipping away. They just didn't make much sense anymore. I continued to pray, not only that God reveal himself to me, but for other things. Only this time I believed He was listening. I started to gain a faith in something other than my 5-iron. That's when interesting things number 4 & 5 came up.
Interesting thing #4 My mom has been unemployed for a few months and my family was, and still is, struggling. She had a very positive interview and she was supposed to hear back from them by Friday. I prayed that she would get the job throughout the week and through the weekend. Well, the following Wednesday rolled around and still no word. On my way to work that Wednesday, I spent fifteen minutes praying specifically for my mom, my family and this job. The timing of it, the necessity of it, how she deserved it and how much it would help my family both in stress relief and happiness. I prayed hard! A few hours later I found out she got the job. It was at this point that a feeling came over me that I can't explain. I was so overcome with joy and happiness. I wanted to yell, “Praise God!!” but I was at work and we had customers. I could refrain from yelling, but I couldn’t refrain from crying tears of joy.
Interesting thing #5. I had also prayed for my boss that week. I prayed that he would show his employees some gratitude for all the work they do, as we've downsized to one-third of the staff in about two years. We've all taken on more work for less pay and instead of giving any praise, we mostly get criticism or questioned like we don't know what we're doing. While I understand his stress levels and his own worries with regards to the company, I know how much a simple, “Thanks” would mean to each of these guys. Guys that have been here for decades! Two days later, a nasty customer came in. She was rude, short, made herself out to be the best customer in the world and walked in right as we were closing. She couldn't get her story straight with what she wanted and was really annoying. She became upset with me because she wasn't getting what she wanted, and as I was trying to explain a store policy to her she proceeded to tell me how terrible I was and how she wasn't coming back. My boss was eavesdropping. He ended up going home, leaving me to deal with this nasty customer in HIS store. I sighed and remained patient even though I wanted to kick her out. She ended up purchasing the piece and I apologized for our "short exchanges and sharp attitudes" and she left on good terms. On my drive home, I got a voicemail from my boss. I expected it to be a lengthy voicemail containing questions like, “Did she buy anything? Did you get proper signature? How did she pay?” As if it was my first day on the job. However, what I got made me smile and showed me God was really working on me. The voicemail said, "Hey Kyle, just wanted to call and congratulate you on dealing with that witch of a lady. You handled it really well. You are to be congratulated and I appreciate the job (you do)." I've been here for seven years and the only other time I recall my boss saying something in that regard was when my parents came in for the first time and he told THEM he liked my work and appreciated me as an employee. That was about four years ago.
Evidence for a faith in God was really stacked in His favor at this point. But I still wasn't quite convinced and ready to make the leap. I couldn't simply "believe" in something. There were still too many mental obstacles in my way. “The heart cannot delight in what the mind rejects.”
I needed to clear out a path, so I could get the pawn to the King. I didn't need to clear out the entire board, just a path.
CHECK!
The pawn is, in most circumstances, the weakest piece in the game of chess. I am weak, but He is strong and loving. He wouldn't let me lose. It is, after all, His game. He cleared the path for me.
He took that SUPER cute girl and physically removed her from my path. She is in Europe for ten weeks. So now I'm not going to church just to see her. I've got a clear path to attend for the right reasons. I've got an open schedule to work on myself. He knows that I'm not in a place where I could commit my full heart to anything and He wants me to get my act together first. He wants me to figure out what I believe and he's giving me the time and space to do it.
With all the pieces falling into place, I now needed something concrete. Something other than a faith in a God. Then came Sunday morning. Church. A special service with a guest speaker. Someone who set out to bash Christianity and prove all this "stuff" they believe WRONG! Someone who thought it was a joke and would laugh at Christians. Someone like me! Someone who, during that process, became... a ... Christian??? Say what?
WHAT TIMING!
Right when I needed something to push me over the edge comes:
-This very well known atheist turned Christian Apologist.
-With a similar story to mine.
-Speaking at the church that started it all for him decades ago.
-At the church that my aunt has been trying to get me to go to for years
-At the church that "SUPER cute girl" goes to.
You've got to be kidding me. Boy, when He works, He works doesn’t He?
And that's not all. This same man wrote a book. Well, he's written many books, but one in particular that I am referring to. After church, a good friend of mine let me borrow this book. I began reading it that Sunday and finished it three days later. A short, yet direct book. A book that I think every church should hand out at the beginning of Sunday mass. The book: More Than A Carpenter by Josh McDowell.
I read this book. I related to this book. The book gave me the proof I was looking for. It gave me the WHY. WHY do you believe in God? WHY do you believe the Bible? WHY do you believe those that wrote the Bible? WHY do you believe in the resurrection? WHY?
The "interesting things," the "coincidences" of this church and meeting these three girls, the Christian friends that were surrounding me, and this book, established more than just a faith, it gave me a factually and emotionally based relationship with Christ. This left me with just one more move to make.
On June 16, 2010, I made the decision to commit my life to Jesus Christ and accept Him as my Lord and Savior.
I was finally standing across from the King. Check!
It turns out that God moved me from that back fan at Cowboy Country to the table with the SUPER cute girl for a reason. It wasn't to meet a girl. It was to meet Him. I have a joy and happiness in my heart that I've never experienced before and I never would have thought possible. I thought I was going to have my old views for the rest of my life. Now I'm a Christian. I have started a relationship with Jesus Christ, and I have a faith like I had never had before. It’s real this time and it’s personal.
Now I find myself standing next to my fellow pawns. The game has been reset. Game on!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
It's good to be back!
Why hello again! It's been a while. Feels good to be back. I'm still shocked at the number of people that say they read my blog. I seriously just thought it was only my family and a few friends, (which gave them an opportunity to know what was going on with my life without actually having to have any sort of personal connection to me anymore), but lately they've had to rely on facebook.
Just FYI to all of you out there reading this, this is my official announcement that I will no longer be posting EVERYTHING I do on Twitter/Facebook/Blog. I will post of course, just not everything ;) If you want to know what's going on with me, you'll just have to ask. :) I'm doing this partly because I don't feel the need for the attention anymore, partly because I wan't my friends and family to be friends instead of just knowing what's going on in my life, and partly because I want to start devoting more time to myself in advancing in my faith and career.
Don't take this as me blaming you for anything, as I know I'm guilty of not seeking updates from you too, I just am getting kind of tired of people reading what I post and conversing with people OTHER than myself about what I post and then creating stories, conclusions and speculations based off of their interpretation, especially when there isn't even anyone that close to me that I share everything with that could verify or deny anything.
That being said, I'm going to be posting blog updates forr the reasons behind my facebook status updates as they pertain to religion and christianity. As some of you already know, I've been searching my heart lately, and I've come to some interesting conclusions. I'm not sure yet if I'll be able to post the FULL testimony in one post or if it's going to be broken up (as the only computer I have right now is my work computer and I DOOOO have to work). Stay tuned...
Just FYI to all of you out there reading this, this is my official announcement that I will no longer be posting EVERYTHING I do on Twitter/Facebook/Blog. I will post of course, just not everything ;) If you want to know what's going on with me, you'll just have to ask. :) I'm doing this partly because I don't feel the need for the attention anymore, partly because I wan't my friends and family to be friends instead of just knowing what's going on in my life, and partly because I want to start devoting more time to myself in advancing in my faith and career.
Don't take this as me blaming you for anything, as I know I'm guilty of not seeking updates from you too, I just am getting kind of tired of people reading what I post and conversing with people OTHER than myself about what I post and then creating stories, conclusions and speculations based off of their interpretation, especially when there isn't even anyone that close to me that I share everything with that could verify or deny anything.
That being said, I'm going to be posting blog updates forr the reasons behind my facebook status updates as they pertain to religion and christianity. As some of you already know, I've been searching my heart lately, and I've come to some interesting conclusions. I'm not sure yet if I'll be able to post the FULL testimony in one post or if it's going to be broken up (as the only computer I have right now is my work computer and I DOOOO have to work). Stay tuned...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
My first poem
I know it's been a REALLY long time since I've posted anything. There has been quite a few requests, which is odd, for me to get back on it! Don't get me wrong, there is PLENTY I have wanted to post about, just little conflicts both internally and externally that have kept me away from it. Oh and my home computer is broken, but that's only been the last week. Anyways, to kick this off, I'm posting a poem I wrote. Yes its a rhyming one, but that's what I felt like writing so deal with it! Oh boy...I anticipate a lot of explanation will need to occur after this!
An earnest act brings two together
Set before them unpleasant weather.
Hearts submerged in hope dilate
Growing closer, connection, fate.
Storm clouds filled with selfishness
Strike them both with what-ifs.
Chaotic confusion shakes the soil
Worlds divide with unsought turmoil.
A woman of faith, strong with desire
For a boy with none but the same deep fire.
He runs towards tranquility
Searching his soul for sanctity.
Above the blinding bewilderment
Awaits a love that’s legitimate.
The future of these two on hold
While the way, the truth, the life unfolds.
Friday, February 12, 2010
2.12.10
Day 42. I woke up today excited for dinner. A great restuarant with flavorful food! The Melting Pot!
I'd have to get through work though, obviously, before I could get to dinner. Work was actually rather busy, as we are preparing for a sale, so it went by in a flash! I like sales. It makes the days go by faster and makes for a lot of work! Plus it's fun to see all the regular customers that haven't been in for a while, and try to remember their names. One customer, an SC alumnus, came in and we got to talking about about my going back to school. He sounded optimistic that he could easily get me some intern hours with some graduates and professors of the USC school of PT. Awesome! I definitely need to at least get some of those hours in, as I need at least 40 hours to even apply, and it would let me take a peek into that life to see if I even want to do it! I'm going to work on this for the next week or so!
I also signed up for a golf tournament for the 21st. It's three nine-hole matches at SCGA in Murrieta. I'm kind of excited!
After work, I headed to the restaurant. It wasn't a date just so you all know. It was a "finder's fee" for finding my wallet on Mt. Baldy. We started with a fiesta cheese fondue (spicy!) then a salad. After this was the main course; two lobster tails, steak, chicken, sun dried tomato ravioli, bratwurst and shrimp! Mmmmm! SEE HERE! Although the last few bites took a while to get down because we were full, we did finish it all. Proof! And we still had dessert coming. Oof! Dessert was awesome though. A white chocolate, caramel banana fondue with marshmallows, strawberries, cheesecake, rice crispy treats etc. to dip! The fondue was set on fire and the waitress brought us graham crackers and told us to roast the marshmallows and make smores! SO good! But definitely OVER-STUFFED!
After dinner we decided to go from Irvine to Hermosa to watch a friend play some reggae at Saint Rocke. That's a pretty nice little joint to see some live music! I recommend it!
After they finished their set, we decided to head home. Pretty fun little night. Well outside my budget, but I definitely owed her because she saved me BIG TIME! I'll just have to be uber conservative for a while, which I was planning on doing anyway! Oh and yes, I'm STILL FULL!
Until tomorrow, there's day 42 of 365.
I'd have to get through work though, obviously, before I could get to dinner. Work was actually rather busy, as we are preparing for a sale, so it went by in a flash! I like sales. It makes the days go by faster and makes for a lot of work! Plus it's fun to see all the regular customers that haven't been in for a while, and try to remember their names. One customer, an SC alumnus, came in and we got to talking about about my going back to school. He sounded optimistic that he could easily get me some intern hours with some graduates and professors of the USC school of PT. Awesome! I definitely need to at least get some of those hours in, as I need at least 40 hours to even apply, and it would let me take a peek into that life to see if I even want to do it! I'm going to work on this for the next week or so!
I also signed up for a golf tournament for the 21st. It's three nine-hole matches at SCGA in Murrieta. I'm kind of excited!
After work, I headed to the restaurant. It wasn't a date just so you all know. It was a "finder's fee" for finding my wallet on Mt. Baldy. We started with a fiesta cheese fondue (spicy!) then a salad. After this was the main course; two lobster tails, steak, chicken, sun dried tomato ravioli, bratwurst and shrimp! Mmmmm! SEE HERE! Although the last few bites took a while to get down because we were full, we did finish it all. Proof! And we still had dessert coming. Oof! Dessert was awesome though. A white chocolate, caramel banana fondue with marshmallows, strawberries, cheesecake, rice crispy treats etc. to dip! The fondue was set on fire and the waitress brought us graham crackers and told us to roast the marshmallows and make smores! SO good! But definitely OVER-STUFFED!
After dinner we decided to go from Irvine to Hermosa to watch a friend play some reggae at Saint Rocke. That's a pretty nice little joint to see some live music! I recommend it!
After they finished their set, we decided to head home. Pretty fun little night. Well outside my budget, but I definitely owed her because she saved me BIG TIME! I'll just have to be uber conservative for a while, which I was planning on doing anyway! Oh and yes, I'm STILL FULL!
Until tomorrow, there's day 42 of 365.
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